


The Law of Averages

by rochke11



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-17
Updated: 2015-04-21
Packaged: 2018-03-23 08:21:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3761338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rochke11/pseuds/rochke11
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"By the law of averages, there had to be one universe — just this one — where we don’t end up together. Here and now just happens to be it. If you think of it this way, nothing is our fault."</p><p>Lexa held on to the ring for three months, one week and two days before everything went wrong and Clarke broke up with her.  Lexa is given the chance to relive different days in her life (all Wednesdays) that each offer her the opportunity to change not only the course of her life, but Clarke Griffin's as well.  Meeting Clarke is inevitable, but is heartbreak?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. All Gone Wrong

The box had been burning a hole in Lexa’s pocket for three months, one week and two days. She’d picked out the ring with Octavia’s help back in January at an antique jewelry shop in Brooklyn. Octavia had proved to be immeasurably helpful, as Clarke had told her exactly what she wanted, and Octavia had narrowed it down to three Victorian Era rings. Each of the rings had similar settings, though one was a diamond, one was a ruby and one was a sapphire. Because the rings were antiques though, they all had stories behind them. The only thing the jeweler knew about the diamond ring was that it came from Massachusetts and was made in the early 1900s. The sapphire ring came from around the same time and had been sitting in the same antique shop since the 50s. The dealer’s father had sold it once, only to have it returned several weeks later. Both Octavia and Lexa weren’t willing to risk that bad luck.

  
The ruby ring, however, was a new addition to the dealer’s collection and had come with pages worth of documents, outlining its history. It had first been made in 1880 in England, commissioned by a man using a stone that had been his mother’s. The ring had then passed down to the couple’s only grandson who, before being shipped off to fight in World War II had proposed to an American nurse he’d met in London. Left infertile after the war, the man married his fiancé and the couple adopted a young girl who had been orphaned in the war. The girl had always admired the ring, and in a fashion that was very out of character for the 1970s, she proposed to a boy she’d known since high school. The couple had spent their lives traveling the world, never settling down nor ever starting a family of their own. He’d died of a heart attack in September, and she’d followed three weeks later of a stroke. The jeweler had been her childhood friend and she’d left him the ring on the condition that it be sold to a woman who would be proposing.

  
After hearing the story of the ruby ring, both Lexa and Octavia knew it was the perfect one, and the jeweler knew that Lexa perfectly fit the contingency laid out by his childhood friend. While the ring was perfect, finding the perfect moment to propose was why the box had stayed in Lexa’s pocket for three months, one week and two days.

  
Her first instinct was to propose the night she came home with the ring. Rip the bandaid off, so to speak. Lexa had dropped Octavia off at the train so she could go back out to Long Island where she was spending the weekend with Lincoln’s family, then she’d picked up Chinese food from their favorite take-out place, only to find Clarke crying in their apartment. The gallery she was supposed to be showing at, had decided to go with another artist instead of her.

  
Clarke had been upset for a few weeks, and as cliche as it sounded, Lexa thought that maybe Valentine’s Day would be the perfect proposal date. That was, until they got to the restaurant for their reservation, only to wait an hour to be seated. Then their food was cold and they were starving. Neither woman dealt well with being hangry, so they fought the entire night. It was the first night Lexa slept on the couch in their entire relationship.

  
When Lexa was promoted to lead prosecutor on what was bound to be a well publicized case, she thought maybe in the excitement she could propose. But as soon as she told Clarke about the opportunity, she realized her mistake. It had been months since Clarke had had any art shown in a gallery and was having trouble even painting anything new. Lexa had been flaunting her success without really paying attention to how it would make Clarke feel. Clarke told Lexa she was proud, but her eyes appeared dead when she told her so. So Lexa kept putting off proposing, still checking on the box that stayed in her coat pocket, unsure if she would ever get the chance to use it.

  
Soon, April came and it seemed like things were looking up. New York City was finally warming up and everyone seemed to be in better moods. Lexa was busier than ever with her case, hardly seeing Clarke at all, but when she did, the blonde’s hands were always covered in paint. It seemed like Clarke was getting inspiration again. At first they thought it was a joke when Octavia called them on April 1st to say that Lincoln had proposed. It hadn’t been. Lexa and Clarke argued the whole night about whether it had been appropriate for Lexa to laugh when Octavia first told them. That night Clarke slept on the couch.

  
Tax day came and went, and Clarke made a point of saying that she would be getting a good tax return by barely making minimum wage for the year.  
April 22nd was a Wednesday and it was beautiful. Lexa had closed her case the previous Friday, and she’d won. She’d taken the day off of work and it was the day she was going to propose.

  
That morning, Lexa woke up early and got bagels and coffee for Clarke. Clarke was slightly hungover from going out with Raven the night before, something she’d started doing more often, and it was well in to the afternoon by the time she got up. Lexa didn’t mind though. It gave her the chance to catch up with her older sister, Anya, who was cleaning out the attic at their family home in Connecticut. The home she had moved back to after their Uncle Gustus, the man who raised them, had died suddenly of a brain aneurism the year before.

  
Lexa tried to convince Clarke that they should go for a walk. It took a lot of convincing, but she finally got the artist to agree to take a walk around Central Park. Maybe it was cliche, but at this point, Lexa wanted to get the ring out of the box in her pocket and on to her girlfriend’s finger.

  
A bird shit on Lexa’s head as they walked in to the park, causing Clarke to make fun of her for attracting shit. The statement would ordinarily have caused Lexa to laugh and nod in agreement, but Clarke’s voice had a particular snark to it and Lexa was already stressing. So they started to argue.

  
“It’s just a little bit of bird shit Lexa, get over it,” Clarke rolled her eyes after Lexa had huffed enough about it.

  
“Well I’m clearly just attracting shit these days, and this argument just comes with the territory right?” Lexa quipped back.

  
The argument grew more heated and suddenly all their grievances were being aired at once. It no longer had anything to do with the bird, it seemed like they were arguing simply for the sake of arguing.

  
“Maybe if you actually spent more than three hours a day at home, we wouldn’t be having this argument,” Clarke spat.

  
“Maybe if you actually got out of the apartment during the day instead of just to get trashed at night with Raven, you would be so sleep deprived and constantly picking fights with me,” Lexa retorted.

  
“I’m sorry I dropped out of med school because of YOU and YOUR insistence that I follow my dream or whatever. I’m sorry I’ve been such a disappointment to you and your stupid ass lawyer friends.”

  
“I only spend so much time with those stupid ass lawyer friends of mine so I can make partner in the next five years. If I’m going to be supporting you and your art stuff, I need to spend time working on my cases and actually doing something worthwhile.”

  
As soon as the words left Lexa’s mouth, she knew she’d taken it too far. She watched as hurt crossed Clarke’s face briefly, only to be quickly replaced with deathly anger. She wasn’t sure she’d ever seen Clarke so angry. Not even when the driver in Wells’ accident got away without being charged.

  
“Clarke,” Lexa breathed, sticking her hands in her pockets, feeling the box and even more sorry about her words.

  
“You know what Lexa, I don’t want to be a burden to you anymore. You don’t have to worry about supporting my stupid art shit anymore, because I can’t handle this dance we’ve been doing for the past three months. I can’t handle us anymore. We’re done.”

  
All Lexa could do was watch Clarke. She knew Clarke was waiting for her to say something to negate everything. She could see the pleading look in her blue eyes. But instead of winning her girl back, Lexa said in a calm and collected voice, “Okay.”

  
She watched as tears began to fill Clarke’s eyes. She watched as Clarke turned away from her and walked away. She stood there, near the entrance to Central Park for what seemed like an eternity, until she felt her phone vibrating.

  
Lexa took her phone out quickly, hoping it was Clarke calling her, only to see that it was Anya, wanting to know how the proposal went. Lexa knew she couldn’t go back to the apartment she’d shared with Clarke for the past five years, there was only one place she could go, so she walked the blocks to Grand Central Station and called Anya back as soon as she’d boarded a train.

  
After picking Lexa up from the train and seeing the look on her sister’s face, Anya didn’t press Lexa to talk about what had happened. She knew her sister well enough to know that whatever it was that had happened, wasn’t good. Anya wasn’t even surprised when Lexa spoke barely three words to her. Or rather one word, repeated three times. Lexa had said “thanks” when Anya picked her up, when Anya placed a plate of dinner in front of her and when she said she’d put new sheets on Lexa’s old bed.

  
It had been years since Lexa had slept in her old bed. The few times she’d returned home, she’d stayed in the guest room. When she’d come home during college, her old room had held too many painful memories, and once she’d started dating Clarke, her old twin didn’t cut it.

  
Lexa didn’t even bother to put on pajamas. She simply stripped down to her underwear and lay on top of her duvet, too drained to crawl under the covers. She pulled the ring box out of her coat pocket and withdrew the ring, clutching it in her fist as she looked over at the photo that still sat on side table.

  
The photo was from the week before she’d graduated high school. It was taken at the beach when she and Costia had skipped the last day of classes. Costia’s bright red hair was whipping around in the wind, intertwined with Lexa’s own wild curly hair. They both had happy smiles on their faces. Neither knew of any heartbreak. Even though Lexa’s parents had died when she was young, she’d never really known them and didn’t really consider losing them a heartbreak. The photo was a snapshot of that innocence, that ignorant bliss. At that point neither of them knew the tragedy that would be coming to them in less than a week. Neither of them knew that Costia had less than a week to live, and that Lexa’s heart would be shattered before the end of the following week.

  
If Costia had never been murdered, then Lexa wouldn’t be in her current position, she reasoned to herself. If Costia had never been murdered, then her heart would never have been so tragically destroyed, and she never would have met Clarke, and Clarke’s life would have been so much better.

  
Lexa turned the ring over and over in her hands as she whispered, “I wish I had saved you Costia,” before she fell in to a deep sleep.

 

* * *

  
The beeping of an alarm clock startled Lexa out of her slumber. She groaned and was momentarily confused as to where she was. She knew she was squished against a wall by something, or someone. She opened her eyes and realized quickly she was in her childhood home and the memories of the botched proposal came back to her. She turned over in bed to turn off the alarm, only to find another figure reaching out to do so. The other person in bed with her had been why she was squished against the wall. The figure the turned around and faced her.

  
Lexa’s stomach dropped as she looked at the face she hadn’t seen in ten years. Costia smiled and said, “Happy Graduation Day” before leaning into the brunette and placing a soft kiss on her lips.


	2. We Met Once on a Park Bench

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's June 1st 2005 when Lexa wakes up. It's the day of her high school graduation and the day of Costia's murder. Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like :)  
> My medical knowledge is limited so I tried not to put too much in

The beeping of an alarm clock startled Lexa out of her slumber. She groaned and was momentarily confused as to where she was. She knew she was squished against a wall by something, or someone. She opened her eyes and realized quickly she was in her childhood home and the memories of the botched proposal came back to her. She turned over in bed to turn off the alarm, only to find another figure reaching out to do so. The other person in bed with her had been why she was squished against the wall. The figure the turned around and faced her.

  
Lexa’s stomach dropped as she looked at the face she hadn’t seen in ten years. Costia Crewe smiled and said, “Happy Graduation Day,” before leaning into the brunette and placing a soft kiss on her lips.

  
“Costia?” Lexa whispered, still in shock. She wasn’t sure what was a dream and what was real, but she could feel something clutched in her fist. Realizing it was the ring. Clarke’s ring. She slyly put it in her bra.

  
“Did you have a little too much to drink last night babe?” The redhead asked, stroking the side of Lexa’s face. Now that she mentioned it, Lexa did feel a bit of a twinge of a headache.

  
“Yeah, that must be it,” Lexa reasoned. She had no idea what was going on and as she quickly sat up in the bed, she reasoned that whatever was going on involved alcohol, because her head was raging with a headache. As Lexa winced in pain, Costia giggled. Lexa’s heart clenched at the sound. It was a sound she had loved for five years, a sound she’d been trying to remember for the past ten. Or was it?

  
“You better be dressed and getting ready!” came a voice from the opposite side of the door. Anya. Lexa’s sister didn’t knock before entering and wasn’t at all fussed by the site of the two hungover, nearly naked girls, still in bed.

  
The first thing Lexa noticed about her sister was the fact that she was young. The Anya who had picked her up from the train the night before was starting to get wrinkles and was already dying her hair, but the Anya talking to her and Costia was ten years younger. She was only 25. Lexa pinched herself, it hurt. She was definitely awake.

  
The last thing she remembered from the night before was wishing that Costia had never died, and here she was, waking up the morning of the murder. It seemed impossible, and yet there seemed to be no probably explanation.

  
“Come on babe, we need to get ready. Graduation and all,” Costia kissed Lexa’s cheek and got out of the bed, walking in to the bathroom while Anya cocked an eyebrow at Lexa.

  
“You okay there?” the older girl asked.

  
“Yeah, just a weird dream I guess,” Lexa responded. But surely it wasn’t a dream, she had the ring in her bra to prove that it wasn’t. But it was the only response she could give that didn’t make her seem like a raving lunatic.

  
“Blame the tequila,” Anya laughed. At Lexa’s confused face she continued, “When I picked you and Cos up from the party last night, you were taking body shots of tequila off one another.

  
The memory hit Lexa like a truck. She been so used to looking back on graduation and remembering nothing other than the fact that she hadn’t been able to prevent Costia’s murder, but now she was able to perfectly recall the nights of debauchery that lead up to graduation.

  
Costia came out of the bathroom with her hair pulled up in a messy bun and a mouth full of toothpaste, holding out her toothbrush. “What?” she asked as Lexa looked at her. This was the Costia that Lexa had forgotten. She’d spent her time remembering the crazy things they’d done together over their five year relationship and forgotten the little moments. Like how she looked like a rabid dog foaming at the mouth when she brushed her teeth.

  
“I love you,” the words poured out of Lexa’s mouth without her really thinking about them. She did. She did love the girl in front of her. But the girl had also been dead ten years. She loved Clarke. Oh how she loved Clarke. But Clarke and Costia had never existed in the same time to Lexa. Loving one had never negated loving the other. Until now.

  
Costia smiled a goofy, toothpaste-foam smile, pointed to herself and then held up two fingers, unable to speak with so much toothpaste in her mouth.  
“You two are gross,” Anya rolled her eyes, “Gustus has pancakes downstairs. Hurry up and get ready so you can eat them before we have to leave for the school.” Gustus. Her uncle Gustus was still alive.

  
As Lexa and Costia got ready, wearing dresses they’d forgotten to hang up and were slightly wrinkled, Lexa stayed mostly quiet and discreetly observed how young she looked in the mirror, and how radiant and alive Costia was. Costia didn’t seem to notice, however, as she gabbed on enough for the both of them. Lexa had always thought that Costia could charm the pants off of just about anyone, and if she failed, she would at least convince charm their hearts. She just had that kind of way with words. Even before her murder, Lexa had been somewhat quiet, nothing like how withdrawn she became after, but Costia had had a tendency to speak for both of them on most occasions.

  
The girls ate breakfast in the sunlight of the kitchen after Lexa gave Gustus a bear hug upon entering the kitchen. Anya had sniggered, but Gustus was already emotional as it was, having Lexa graduating from college.

  
Lexa and Anya’s parents had died in a plane crash when Lexa was one and Anya was eight. Their mother’s brother, Gustus had obtained custody of them and adopted them. Lexa had no memories of her parents, and had always viewed Gustus as her father. Seeing him alive again was just as confusing as it was to see Costia.

  
They were running late to graduation, but Costia’s parents and brothers were meeting them there, saving seats for Gustus and Anya and after the graduation ceremony Costia’s mom greeted both Costia and Lexa like a daughter. Lexa hadn’t seen her since the funeral. She hadn’t been able to handle living in the town where her daughter was murdered and had moved across the country with her husband and four younger sons. That wasn’t to say that she gave up on Lexa, on the contrary, they were almost constantly emailing. In fact, Mrs. Crewe had been the first person she’d told about her intention to propose to Clarke. She’d been excited for Lexa. Lexa wasn’t sure if her life with Clarke still existed though. So far, everything was playing out exactly how it had the first time she experienced graduation day in 2005.

  
Gustus and the Crewes made them take countless pictures, making them nearly miss their dinner reservation. The longer Lexa spent with Costia, Gustus and the Crewes, the more she fell in to the memory of being with them. It came so naturally. She and Costia’s brothers Caesar, Arthur, Merlin and Joseph blew spitballs through their straws at Costia and Anya. She felt eighteen again, and even though it had only been hours, her life with Clarke seemed further and further away. Like it was a dream, with the only remnant the ring that sat under her mattress back at home.

  
As the sun set and night came, Lexa became keenly aware of what the night brought the first time she lived that day. Anya dropped them off at the beach with a fifth of vodka under the condition that they don’t drink the whole thing. Almost their entire graduating class was in attendance. It was a tradition for the graduating class to get trashed on the beach the night of graduation.

  
With everything playing out the same way it had the first time, Lexa made the decision to drink less alcohol this time around. She did shots with Costia, Artigas and Caris, but only when prompted to do so and never made herself a mixed drink and never opened a beer.

  
Around midnight, Caris pulled Lexa away to play a game of truth or dare with the rest of the soccer team. Though she was tipsy, Lexa made sure to continually check the time on her Razr phone. The game continued and Lexa realized she wasn’t just tipsy, but drunk. Her teenage body didn’t quite have the same tolerance that she remembered. She looked down at her phone and the time read 11:43.

  
Lexa gasped as she read the time. Every moment of Costia’s murder ran through her head, but nothing more so than the police report that read that based on the coroner’s report, and reports from witnesses, she was murdered between 11:40 and 11:50 pm.

  
She stood up abruptly and swiveled her head around, “Costia!” she yelled, running towards the dunes.

  
“She went to pee,” Artigas explained. Artigas had been the last to see her. He had been the one to hear her screams, he was the one of found her body. He’d never gotten over his PTSD.

  
Lexa sprinted in the direction of the parking lot. She knew exactly where Costia was. This time it would be different. Artigas hadn’t heard her scream yet. She still had time. As she reached the parking lot, suddenly sobering up considerably, she saw a man with a knife backing Costia in to a car. She knew that he was a homeless man who was high out of his mind, and Lexa hoped that her extra information would be enough to save the girl she loved.

  
She continued to sprint towards the two as she screamed, “Get away from her!” They both looked towards her. She could see tears streaming down Costia’s face. The man dropped the knife and ran away. Lexa quickly closed the difference between her and Costia, catching the redhead as she fell to the ground sobbing. She held Costia close as Artigas came to find out what was going on.

  
“Call 911,” Lexa told him as she quickly explained what had happened. She held Costia in her arms, soothing her and pressing on the knife wound on her arm. It wasn’t a bad cut and she would be fine. She’d made it in time. Costia didn’t die.

  
Suddenly Lexa understood why she’d somehow been sent back to that day. She’d been sent back to save Costia, something that would save Clarke from her in the long run. Lexa kissed Costia over and over, her head, her cheeks, her lips. Everything. Everything was different this time.

 

* * *

 

As the summer passed, Lexa became accustomed to the fact that she would be repeating the past ten years of her life, but instead on a new path. A new path with Costia. Instead of going to NYU alone, she had Costia with her. She still roomed with Octavia Blake her freshman year, but they never got very close. Not when she spent so much time with Costia. She could never grow old of Costia, not after she’d lost her once, and almost a second time.

  
She saw Clarke Griffin once her sophomore year from a distance. If she hadn’t been standing with Finn Collins, she wouldn’t have been sure, as they were across the street from her. Her heart skipped a beat, but she followed Costia to their political science class.

  
September of their junior year, she heard the story of the boy with two girlfriends, and how the girlfriends found out and ganged up against him. She smiled as she listened to the story, glad that Clarke’s life was still on a path that led her to Raven.

  
Halloween 2007 came and went and nothing shook Lexa’s world. She didn’t even attend the party where she had met Clarke in a previous life, instead she ravaged the body of her girlfriend dressed as a Greek Goddess in their shared apartment.

  
She spoke to Clarke once in college. It was the beginning of December 2007. Just over a month after they would have met in a different life. Just two weeks before Clarke would lose her best friend. Lexa had been walking through Washington Square Park when she spotted Clarke, red-eyed with tear stained cheeks, shivering as she sat on a bench. Unable to walk past her, Lexa approached her.

  
“Are you okay?” she asked. She wanted to wipe the tears from the blonde’s face, but she wasn’t hers in this life.

  
“Yeah,” she responded unconvincingly, “Silly boyfriend troubles.” She laughed half-heartedly.

  
“You’re Clarke, right?” Lexa asked, as if she didn’t know exactly how the name rolled off her tongue, or that Clarke loved the sound of her name on Lexa’s tongue. Clarke looked confused as to how Lexa would know her, though they clearly both went to school together. Lexa gave a not entirely false explanation, “My freshman roommate was Octavia Blake, you’re friends with her brother Bellamy. You and Raven are the girls who knocked that guy down a few pegs back in September, right?”

  
Clarke simply shrugged, “Oh, yeah. I guess. That’s part of the boyfriend troubles I guess. We got back together on Halloween.”

  
Lexa’s heart dropped. She’d gotten back with Finn when Lexa didn’t meet her that night. Lexa had never met Finn in either life, but hated him on principle. Suddenly, her phone started ringing, it was Costia. She reached in to her pocket, only to turn around and find Clarke gone. Lexa never saw Clarke around campus after that.

 

* * *

 

When they were twenty-five, just after Lexa had graduated from law school and while Costia was working at an advertising agency, Costia found the ring box. Lexa watched her find it, waiting anxiously to see if she opened it. She didn’t. Instead she put it back in the shoebox where Lexa had been keeping it for years. The next day, Lexa went out and bought Costia a ring and they were married in Connecticut three months later.

  
It was three days after Costia turned 26 that she collapsed. She and Lexa had been going through profiles of different adoption agencies when she stood up to grab a glass of water.

  
“Cos, I really think we should go with this one,” Lexa yelled from the couch towards the kitchen. A second later she heard the crash of glass and the thump of Costia’s body hitting the ground.

  
Lexa threw her laptop on the ground and rushed in to the kitchen, finding her wife’s blood mixing with the red of her hair. “Costia!” she exclaimed, fumbling for her cellphone and dialing 911.

  
Once the ambulance took them in to the hospital, Costia was quickly rushed away for an MRI. She stayed unconscious while the doctors tried to figure out what was going on. About an hour later they came back with the news that she had a blood clot in her brain that they would need to operate on immediately. Unable to speak, Lexa simply nodded as they wheeled her wife away to surgery and she found her way to the waiting room.

  
Two hours passed and there was no update. Lexa stayed stationary in her seat until a nurse approached her. “Ma’am, we just heard that the surgery will probably been another hour or so. In the meantime you should probably get something to eat, you’ve been sitting here for hours.” Lexa looked up from her hands and in to the blue eyes that a lifetime ago had been the most familiar thing in the world to her.

  
“Clarke,” she breathed, shocked to see her there.

  
Clarke, realizing she was wearing a name tag that read ‘Clarke Collins’ nodded. Lexa’s eyes darted to the name tag, still in shock. “We uhh, we went to college together,” Lexa continued.

  
“NYU or SUNY Purchase?” Clarke asked. Lexa furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, unsure what Clarke was talking about.

  
“NYU,” she spoke slowly. Clarke nodded, as if the answer made sense.

  
“Why don’t I bring you down to the cafeteria,” Clarke suggested, not realizing that only half of Lexa’s detached response was from concern over her wife.  
Clarke lead them down to the cafeteria and helped Lexa pick out some food and sat down at a table. As they sat, a group of children and nurses entered the cafeteria. One little boy, around five or six years old, waved at Clarke, to which Clarke responded by blowing a kiss.

  
“Who is that?” Lexa asked.

  
“My son Wells, he spends the days he doesn’t have school in the day care here,” Clarke responded. Lexa quickly started counting back the years in her head and Clarke quickly caught on to what she was doing. It happened fairly often. “I had him after junior year of college. I dropped out of NYU to have him. I finished my last year when he was two at SUNY Purchase, which is why I asked where we went together.”

  
“Oh,” Lexa responded, counting back months again. “That day in the park,” she gasped, remembering the last time she’d seen Clarke.

  
It took Clarke a moment to remember, but once she did, the realization spread across her face. “That was you?” she asked, “I remember that day well. It was the day I found out I was pregnant. He was conceived on Halloween, but I refused to admit that I might be pregnant until I took a test that morning. I hadn’t told Finn yet, and when a beautiful girl came up to me in the park asking if I was okay, I briefly thought about never telling him. But then your girlfriend called.”

  
Lexa couldn’t believe that Clarke remembered. Because to Clarke, she was just a random girl. “How did you know it was my girlfriend?”

  
“I had an art history class with her, so I knew who she was. I saw the two of you around a lot, I’ll admit I was a bit jealous,” she laughed, before realizing that the same girlfriend was Lexa’s wife now in surgery, “Sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I’m sure your wife will come through just fine.”

  
For a moment Lexa had forgotten about the woman in surgery, the woman she loved with all her heart. “Maybe you can keep my mind off it?” Lexa suggested, “Tell me more about yourself.” It was an entirely selfish request. She needed to know that Clarke’s life had worked out just as well as her’s had.

  
“Okay,” Clarke nodded, taking a sip of coffee before continuing. Lexa briefly registered the fact that the Clarke she knew hated coffee, claiming that life was enough to keep her going, that she didn’t need caffeine. “Well, after I had Wells, named after my childhood friend who died in a car accident a few months before he was born, Finn and I got married. Finn finished school while I moved in with his parents in Westchester County. Eventually I went back to school. I decided to become a nurse and put my pre-med classes to use and still be able to raise Wells.”

  
Lexa understood that Clarke had made sacrifices for her son, but a part of her had assumed that without Lexa, she would have become the great surgeon she assumed Clarke would have become. She took a bite of her sandwich realizing how hungry she was, continuing to listen to Clarke.

  
“Finn and I couldn’t work it out, not even for Wells,” Clarke spoke sadly. “Wells and I managed to get away from him before he got too violent and he’s in jail now so it’s just Wells and I.” Clarke wasn’t sure why she was telling her story to a stranger, but something about Lexa made it easy to talk to her.

  
“I’m sorry,” Lexa responded.

  
“It’s fine,” Clarke tried to reassure her, “It’s hard, but at least I got a great boy out of it.”

  
“What about your art? I mean, you were in art history, I’m assuming you are an artist as well?” Lexa tried to cover up her excess knowledge.

  
“Once upon a time I liked to paint, but I haven’t picked up a paintbrush in over five years,” came her wistful response.

  
Lexa finished her sandwich as Clarke turned the conversation to some of the crazy things she’d seen as a nurse, several of her stories involved legos and objects being where they shouldn’t.

  
The two returned to the waiting room and Clarke was called back to the nurse’s station. Lexa sat alone again, realizing it was her fault that Clarke was in the situation she was. Even if she was happy with a son, Lexa was acutely aware of the fact that if she hadn’t changed history, Clarke would still have her art and would never have had to worry about Finn.

  
Finally, Costia made it out of surgery. Lexa sat with her for hours until she finally woke up. As soon as her eyes fluttered open, Lexa kissed her repeatedly.  
“Lex,” she smiled contently.

  
“You’re okay,” Lexa sighed.

  
Costia simply shook her head sadly in response.

  
“What is it?” the brunette asked.

  
“The night of high school graduation,” she began, bringing Lexa back to the fateful day that set her life on a new path. “I think I was supposed to die that day.”  
“What are you talking about?” Lexa asked, responding too quickly.

  
“I’ve been living on borrowed time Lex. Don’t ask me how I know it, I just do. When I was unconscious I had a dream. I was dead and looking down from heaven, only I wasn’t looking down on this life.” Costia spoke as if she wasn’t entirely sure what she was saying. “I was watching you though Lexa. You were different though. My death changed you.”

  
“You’re not going to die Cos,” Lexa kissed Costia’s hand. After so many years she’d begun to think of her past life as nothing more than a dream  
“I have to Lexa. We’ve been together over 13 years, that’s half my life. That’s eight years longer than we were supposed to have. And I wouldn’t give them up for anything, but they weren’t mine to have.”

  
“I chose you Costia. I chose you.” Lexa pleaded, her eyes filling with tears.

  
“I know baby. Thank you,” she smiled softly, “But I choose you too. And I choose you to have the life you were meant to have.”

  
“What does that mean?” she asked, her voice still pleading.

  
“You need to save Clarke next time.”

  
“How do you…” Lexa sat in shock.

  
“Like I said, I saw your life. I saw her’s too. She’s quite the catch you know. And I know you’ve always had a bit of a thing for blondes,” Costia brought in a bit of humor and a giggle.

  
“But…” Lexa began before getting cut off by her wife.

  
“I love you Lexa, I love you enough to let you go. I love you, but she has the capacity to love you more than anything in the world. Please let her,” Costia trailed off.

  
Suddenly, something snapped in Costia’s brain and her body went limp. Lexa shook her, pleading with her to wake up. She called in the nurses and doctors who rushed to her side, but there was nothing they could do. It was an undetected aneurysm.

  
Lexa broke down, falling to the ground, hyperventilating. She felt arms close around her and a reassuring voice. Even though it had been years, she knew the folds of Clarke’s body and fell in to it, letting Clarke hold her as she sobbed, until eventually she falls asleep, exhausted.

 

* * *

 

When Lexa woke up, she wasn't in the hospital any longer, but there are still arms around her. She opened her eyes slowly, finding a mass of brown hair in front of her face. She sat up abruptly, causing the girl next to her to groan.

  
“Octavia?” she asked, looking at her. She looked around at the room she sat in. It was her dorm room. Not her freshman dorm room she’d shared with Octavia, but rather her junior year dorm room. Not the apartment she and Costia had shared, but rather the one she’d shared with Octavia during her first life. She looked across the room at Octavia’s twin bed, seeing Lincoln spread-eagled on it.

  
Without even looking at her phone, she knew what day it was. It was October 31st, 2007. Again.


	3. I Was a Pirate and You Were Tinkerbell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Halloween 2007 and Clarke meets Lexa for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to keep up my chapter a day average. Hope you like!

When Lexa woke up, she wasn’t in the hospital any longer, but there were still arms around her. She opened her eyes slowly, finding a mass of brown hair in front of her face. She sat up abruptly, causing the girl next to her to groan.

  
“Octavia?” she asked, looking at her. She looked around at the room she sat in. It was her dorm room. Not her freshman dorm room she’d shared with Octavia, but rather her junior year dorm room. Not the apartment she and Costia had shared, but rather the one she’d shared with Octavia during her first life. She looked across the room at Octavia’s twin bed, seeing Lincoln spread-eagled on it.

  
Without even looking at her phone, she knew what day it was. It was October 31st, 2007. Again. For the third time now.

  
For a moment Lexa felt the pain of losing Costia, like it had happened only minutes previously, but the moment quickly faded, as if it was part of a dream. It was almost as if her brain was preparing her for living a new life, again.

  
Lexa took a deep breath, preparing herself for what she knew to be coming that day. Seeing Octavia their though made her smile. In her life with Costia, she’d barely known Octavia, yet in her first life, Octavia had been Lexa’s closest friend outside of Clarke. She’d really missed her.

  
Just like the last time, the memories leading up to the day she’d woken up to flooded her. And she remembered that the night before, Octavia had drunk way too much. Feeling twenty-one and young, Lexa leaned over in to Octavia’s ear and yelled, “WAKE UP!”

  
Octavia jolted and fell with a thump on to the floor, causing Lexa to start laughing and Lincoln to startle awake. “Bitch,” the girl mumbled.

  
“That’s what you get for sneaking in to bed with me when you have a perfectly good bed over there,” she gestured to where Lincoln was groggily sitting up.  
“Lincoln kept kicking me,” the girl on the ground continued to grown.

  
“That sounds like a you problem,” Lexa retorted, feeling sober and oddly rejuvenated. She’d never minded when Lincoln came back to visit, but it did mean that Octavia ended up in her bed. Lincoln was a somewhat big man and didn’t sleep well with others in the twin bed.

  
Lincoln had been Octavia and Lexa’s senior TA in their freshman seminar class. They’d hooked up after the first week of class and were officially dating two weeks later. They’d even stayed together after Lincoln graduated and began working as a contractor out on Long Island. It wasn’t too bad of a distance, so they visited each other pretty regularly.

  
Lexa was already formulating a plan in her head on how to make sure Clarke didn’t end up in Finn’s bed that night, and it involved doing everything exactly like she had the first time around. “I have to go to class, but we’re going out tonight,” she stated.

  
Octavia rolled in to a seated position and looked up at Lexa like she had ten heads. “Since when are you so excited to go out?” she asked. She had a point. Freshman year, Lexa had been too depressed over Costia’s murder to go out, but sophomore year she’d learn to go out at Octavia’s insistence, something that had continued in to junior year. She was never the first to suggest going out.

  
“It’s Halloween,” Lexa shrugged as she scooted out of bed and jumped over Octavia. She began to rummage around her dresser for clothes to wear to class.  
“Alexandria Heda, you are an enigma,” Octavia shook her head.

  
“Good job with the big words,” Lexa smirked as she pulled off her sleep shirt. As she pulled on a v-neck, she felt a bulge in her bra. Puzzled, she reached in and pulled out the object. It was the ring. The ring that was supposed to be Clarke’s. Luckily she was facing away from Lincoln and Octavia had a pillow over her face, still lying on the ground. She took the ruby ring, wrapped it in a pair of Christmas socks and through it in the back of her sock drawer where she knew it would be safe. “Alright, I’m off to class. I’m assuming you’re skipping?” Lexa asked as she grabbed her backpack off her desk chair.

  
Octavia groaned in response, and that was the response Lexa had been expecting. As she left the room, sans makeup like normal, she flicked on the light, causing Octavia to give her the finger. She smirked as she shut the door behind her and headed off to her public speaking class with Professor Indra.

  
Lexa went through her day with a slight smile on her face, earning her confused looks from her classmates. She supposed she earned the looks, after all she was never a bucket of sunshine on the average. But today wasn’t an average day for Lexa. It was the day she’d first meet Clarke, and make sure she stayed on the path away from Finn. She was still unsure as to when she’d break it off with Clarke once they started, because she would have to break it off before they continued on their original path. Lexa knew how that one ended and she knew she had no interest in repeating that disaster.

  
After grabbing a quick sushi dinner from Clarke’s favorite sushi stand, Lexa returned to her and Octavia’s dorm room, her halloween costume in her backpack. The moment she opened the door to her bedroom, Lexa had to cover her mouth to keep herself from laughing out loud.

  
“I’m not wearing this O,” Lincoln gestured to what could only be described as lingerie.

  
“I thought we agreed we were going as Hugh Hefner and a playboy bunny!” Octavia responded, picking up a fake pipe from her bed and sticking it between her teeth.

  
“Yeah, but I just assumed I’d be Hef and you’d be the bunny,” he huffed. Lexa hardly ever saw Lincoln get worked up, in fact he wasn’t generally one to speak much at all. “Lexa, tell your friend here she’s being ridiculous.”

  
Lexa looked over at Lincoln, at Octavia, then back at Lincoln. “I don’t know,” she began, “Octavia looks pretty sexy in that robe, and if I were straight I’d totally think that lingerie on you Lincoln would get me hot and bothered. Also it just shows to the world something I already know, which one of you is the top.” Both Lincoln and Octavia stared at her, jaws dropped. “What?” she asked.

  
“Who are you and what have you done with Lexa?” Octavia asked in a serious voice.

  
Not wanting to act too out of character and get Octavia suspecting something was wrong, Lexa thought to herself that she’d tone it back a little. At this point in her first life, she was starting to get over Costia, but she’d still viewed love as a weakness, something that influenced her everyday interactions. She simply shrugged, withdrew her costume from her backpack and walked in to their bathroom to get changed. It wasn’t that she had a problem changing in front of Lincoln, but she was better off leaving the current situation.

  
The pirate costume was a little shorter than she was comfortable with. The slit ran up her left thigh and Lexa contemplated putting shorts on underneath, or maybe even wear tights. Sure, she knew how this night ended the first time, but there was always a chance it would be different. She assumed that by being even a minute later, or accidentally saying the wrong thing could change everything.

  
When Lexa returned to the room, Lincoln was wearing the bunny ears and tail, but they seemed to have reached a compromise, as he was also wearing a blank tank and shorts.

  
“Wow,” Octavia exclaimed as she turned around from pouring alcohol from her handle of Jose Cuervo. “Someone call channel 5, because we’ve got breaking news. Lexa Heda has boobs.” She approached the girl and fixed the blouse of Lexa’s pirate costume, pulling it down enough to reveal some of her black lace bra.

  
“If I’m wearing this in public, then I need some alcohol,” Lexa sighed. She felt slightly uncomfortable wearing such little clothing. The first time she’d worn the outfit had been a mix up. The woman at the costume store had given her the pirate costume instead of the slightly less skimpy cat costume and Lexa had contemplated not wearing it at all. In typical Octavia fashion, Octavia had dared Lexa to wear it. The entire night had been a result of that mix up. She, Lincoln and Octavia had, after a few shots, gotten in to dares. It was a dare that resulted in Lexa meeting Clarke.

  
“In that case, alcohol.” Octavia spoke, handing Lexa a shot of tequila, which she promptly downed before walking over to the handle and making herself a mixed drink.

  
An hour later, the three determined that they’d pre-gamed enough to head over to Delta Omega, the fraternity that was hosting the large Halloween party that year.

  
It was just after midnight and the party was in full swing by the time they made it to the frat house. “Okay,” Octavia slurred, looping an arm each around Lincoln and Lexa. “Let’s do dares.”

  
“Dares?” Lexa asked, feeling just passed tipsy and ready to take the night on. “Okay O, I dare you to get three separate guys to get you a drink.”  
Octavia smirked at Lincoln and said, “Easy.”

  
“Lincoln doesn’t count,” Lexa added.

  
“I figured, which is why watching him squirm while I get hit on is going to be so much fun.” Octavia certainly was something. She loved Lincoln, and no one would ever question that, but it was still funny to watch her taunt Lincoln. Octavia’s eyes wandered around the room as she tried to think of a dare for Lexa. She sights landed on her brother, Bellamy and his group of friends and she smirked. “I dare you, Lexa, to hook up with the girl my brother has been crushing on.” She pointed towards the group.

  
Lexa followed Octavia’s gesture and her heart skipped a beat. She recognized them immediately. Bellamy, Raven, Monty, Jasper, Wells and of course Clarke were all dancing together in a circle. Bellamy was slowly inching towards Clarke, but she was caught up in dancing with Raven. “The blonde?” Lexa asked, as if she didn’t know.

  
“Yup,” Octavia grinned.

  
“How do you know she’s not straight?” Lexa questioned, playing it out the way she had the first time.

  
“Trust me,” Octavia returned.

  
“Deal,” Lexa nodded, extending her hand to Octavia, who took it and shook. “Well no time like the present,” she shrugged as she went to approach the blonde. Alcohol coursed through her veins, just as it had the first time. Liquid courage, she’d called it.

  
Before she knew it, Lexa had made it to Clarke and her group of friends. In another life, she’d held Raven’s hair while she’d puked on multiple occasions, she’d held Jasper’s hand as Clarke reset his shoulder, she’d listened to Monty spill his secret love for Jasper, she’d seen Bellamy hold his daughter for the first time, and she’d been to Wells’ funeral. In this life though, none of that had happened yet, and she was approaching a group who had almost all been friends since freshman year.

  
Lexa took a deep breath, trying to calm herself and giving her the cool, nonchalant demeanor she’d been known to exude before she placed a hand on Clarke’s shoulder.

  
At her touch, the blonde dressed as Tinkerbell turned around and offered her a smile. Try not to stumble over her words at the sight of the blue eyes and calming smile, Lexa said, “So my friend, Octavia,” she gestured behind her to where Octavia was hitting on a guy, looking up to wave at them, “Dared me to come up and talk to the cute girl dressed as Tinkerbell.” Not the entire truth, but it was Lexa’s leading line.

  
“Well I’m glad she did,” Clarke returned. Lexa tried not to grin as she watched Clarke not so subtly glance down at Lexa’s cleavage.

  
“Maybe I can get you a drink?” Lexa asked, only after speaking noticing that Clarke was already holding one. She could nearly face-palm herself for being so dumb.

  
“Yeah, I could use a drink,” Clarke smiled. She discreetly shoved her still-full cup of beer in to Monty’s hands. Lexa smirked in return and gestured for Clarke to follow her to the bar.

  
At the bar, Lexa asked the fraternity brothers for two beers, grabbing one for herself and handing the other to Clarke. “I’m Lexa, by the way,” she introduced herself, extending a hand to the blonde.

  
“Clarke,” she returned, shaking Lexa’s hand, gripping her hand for just longer than she needed to. “Do you wanna dance?” Clarke gestured with her head to the dance floor. After Lexa nodded in return, Clarke gripped her hand and pulled her to the dance floor.

  
Lexa hated dancing. She thought she was awkward and terrible at it, even when she was drunk. The one exception to this, however, was dancing with Clarke. Clarke never cared what people thought about her when she was dancing, and the confidence she exuded rubbed off on Lexa. Not to mention the fact that Clarke was a damn sexy dancer and Lexa was drawn to her like a magnet.

  
The girls finished their beers quickly and lost themselves to the music. Or at least, it seemed like Clarke lost herself to the music, while Lexa lost herself to Clarke. As the alcohol got further in to her system, Lexa found herself dancing closer and closer to the blonde.

  
Lexa wasn’t sure which of them initiated it, but suddenly Lexa’s hands were on Clarke’s hips and Clarke’s were around Lexa’s back and tangled in her hair. It was Lexa who initiated the kiss though. She tentatively closed the distance between herself and the blonde, their noses gently brushing before their lips crashed together slightly less gently. They were all lips, tongue and teeth until the shoving of the party around them got to be too much and Lexa dragged Clarke outside the frat house.

  
As soon as they exited, the brunette dragged Clarke around the side of the house and pushed her against it. She let herself look into the girl’s blue eyes for a moment, her heart aching for Clarke, for her Clarke, before she began kissing her again.

  
“I have a single,” Clarke spoke with a gruff voice after they separated for air. Lexa nodded and let the girl lead her back to her room, as if she didn’t already know the way Clarke made her bed with nurse’s corners, or the ways she kept a pile of clothes the moved between her desk chair and bed depending upon the time of day.

  
It was that pile of clothes that Clarke turned red over as they entered the room. She quickly moved the clothes off her bed and in to her closet. “Sorry,” she apologized, to which Lexa responded by closing the distance between them and helping Clarke take off the wings of her Tinkerbell costume. Realizing that the messy state of her room wasn’t going to deter Lexa, Clarke pulled Lexa’s blouse out from her skirt and over the girl’s head. The continued to rid each other of clothes in between fast, drunken kisses. The night was messy and drunk and exactly like it had been the first time Lexa had slept with Clarke, with only one difference. When Clarke pulled her in as the little spoon, Lexa didn’t turn around, but rather let her naked body be held by the woman she couldn’t admit to loving.

  
Lexa woke up in Clarke’s embrace, the blonde snoring slightly. For a moment she thought she was back home. Her real home. The realization that she wasn’t hit Lexa harder than anything else. It hit her harder than losing Costia again. Unable to stay there with Clarke, Lexa quietly gathered her clothes. She knew how obvious she would be walking back to her dorm, the walk of shame. In a last minute decision, Lexa grabbed one of Clarke’s NYU sweatshirts from the pile of clothes Clarke had hastily shoved in her closet and put it on. She then went over to Clarke’s desk and left her a note on a post-it, saying that if Clarke wanted her sweatshirt back she’d have to call her. Then she left her phone number. Lexa gave the sleeping blonde one last look before she left, wearing the sweatshirt that still smelled like the girl.

  
Clarke texted Lexa later that day. Never one to play games, Lexa answered the text right away and met up with Clarke at a bar not far from school that night. The night ended much like the previous.

  
The arrangement lasted for several weeks. They would get drunk on the weekends, and Thursday because neither had Friday classes, spend some time at a bar or club with Clarke’s friends and Octavia before going back to Clarke’s to have sex. It was working well for Lexa. There were no emotions attached to it, or at least there was no reason for emotions. The emotions were there for Lexa, but she was trying her best to keep them hidden. Love was weakness, and she wouldn’t let love ruin Clarke’s life again.

 

* * *

 

It was the beginning of December and after a week of tests and little sleep, Lexa had fallen asleep quickly after she and Clarke had a quality make-out session. They hadn’t even gotten past then Lexa had been so tired. She’d volunteered to just go back to her dorm, but Clarke had insisted she stay.  
Normally, Lexa woke before Clarke and managed to leave the room without waking her, but that next morning she’d slept in later than usual and felt Clarke stirring awake next to her.

  
“Hey,” the blonde spoke groggily, her voice heavy with sleep, resting her head on Lexa’s shoulder as soon as Lexa opened her eyes. “This is a first.”

“Sorry,” Lexa spoke hastily, moving herself out from under Clarke, “I can go now.”

  
“No,” Clarke reached out and grabbed Lexa’s shoulder, pulling her back on to the bed. “It’s a good first,” she smiled tentatively. Lexa was torn between leaving right then and avoiding sober interactions with Clarke, and kissing the girl, wiping the look of tentativeness off her face. She went for the latter and the look of relief on Clarke’s face made it worth it in that moment.

  
After that it became a normal thing. Lexa would stay until Clarke woke, then the two would talk for a while and maybe even get breakfast before Lexa left. They talked about everything and nothing. Clarke told her about how her died when she was younger, and how she’d been really homesick her first semester of college until her best friend from home, Wells, transferred from Davidson spring semester freshman year. Lexa told Clarke about her family, she told her about Costia and about how love was weakness. She hoped she was convincing enough.

  
Finals week came and Clarke and Lexa were going out less often. They would keep making up excuses to see each other, both claiming that stress made them horny, and that they needed sex as a stress relief.

 

* * *

 

On the morning of December 12th, Lexa left Clarke’s room without waiting for her to wake up. She assumed Clarke would believe it was because she had a final that evening, but Lexa couldn’t stand to see her smile on the day that would cause her so much pain.

  
Lexa spent the morning studying for her final, but did so half-heartedly. As she walked in to her final, she knew she would not do well on it. The final started at 8pm and was a three hour test. Lexa used all three hours and knew the text that would be on her phone waiting for her when she got out. Nothing had changed this time around.

  
As she left the building after her test, she took her phone out from her jacket pocket, seeing that she had five missed calls, a voicemail and three texts.

  
**Clarke** : Please call me  
**Clarke** : It’s Wells, he was hit by a car  
**Clarke** : I need you.

  
Wells had been hit by a drunk driver. He’d been crossing the street and the car had run a red light. He’d been killed on impact, but when the police found out that Clarke was his closest emergency contact, they’d simply called her and told her there had been an accident and that she should come to the hospital. In another life Lexa had called Clarke back right away and gone with her to identify his body.

  
Wells death was what changed Clarke and Lexa from a friends with benefits situation, to an actual relationship. Lexa coming to Clarke’s side when she’d asked her to was what had changed everything for them. It was the moment Lexa had first set aside her mantra of love being weakness.

  
Lexa had already saved Clarke from Finn though, and that’s what she said she was going to do when given the chance. She’d just kept up with her for selfish reasons. By not going to Clarke, Lexa could make a clean break. Finn was transferring next semester apparently and Lexa no longer had to worry about him ruining her life. And now Lexa had the chance to get out before she ruined Clarke’s life as well. She turned her phone off and headed back to the room she shared with Octavia.

 

* * *

 

Lexa finished her finals and spent winter break back home with Anya and Gustus. When she returned back to school, however, she was greeted by an incredibly angry Octavia. It struck Lexa then, that maybe she should have checked her phone over break.

  
“Clarke needed you Lexa! I get that you’re all anti-emotions or whatever, but Clarke’s best friend died and she wanted you there. She didn’t want Bellamy, Monty, Jasper or Raven, she wanted you. And you didn’t even give her the courtesy of responding,” Octavia spat.

  
Lexa entered the room hesitantly and put her duffle bag on her twin bed. “I don’t know why she wanted me,” she spoke calmly, “It was only about the sex. It’s not like we were dating or anything.” She had trained herself enough to make it seem like even she believed the words. Over break she had listened to Clarke crying in to her voicemail about Wells, forcing herself to listen to her pain as punishment. Because listening to Clarke in pain was the worst punishment Lexa could think of.

  
“You’re an ass Lexa, you know that?” Octavia huffed, pushing past her as she left the room, slamming the door behind her.

  
After unpacking her bag, Lexa found the sweatshirt she’d stolen from Clarke the first night they met and put it on. It still smelled like Clarke.

  
Classes started up again and Octavia lightened up on her berating of Lexa, sensing the fact that Lexa was punishing herself enough as it was. She still wasn’t happy with Lexa, but she was starting to let it go.

  
Around the time of the first round of tests, Lexa found herself walking back late one night from her favorite coffee shop to study in. She passed the bars most frequented by NYU students, and couldn’t help but notice the sound of someone puking in the alleyway next to one of the bars. Curiosity forced her to check out the situation, only to find Clarke there, alone, hunched over puking while wearing a skimpy outfit unlike anything Lexa had seen her in before.

  
Clarke wasn’t just throwing up though, she was crying as well. The sobs tore in to Lexa’s soul and her feet moved towards the girl before her brain had time to catch up with her. Before she knew it, she was holding back Clarke’s blonde hair, keeping it out of her face while she continued to vomit and soothing it.

  
After the blonde rid her stomach of absolutely everything, she stood up and registered the fact that the girl that came to her aid wasn’t Raven, but rather Lexa. “What are you doing here?” she asked, her words slurred.

  
“I was just walking by, you look like you needed help,” Lexa’s voice seemed detached from her body.

  
Clarke hastily brushed the tears from her red cheeks and stumbled out of the alley towards the street. Lexa followed. “Go away Lexa,” she spat, her voice trembling with anger.

  
“Clarke, you’re drunk. I’ll walk you home.”

  
“I don’t want you to walk me home. I want you to leave me alone. It shouldn’t be too hard, you’re quite good at that.” The words hit Lexa hard, but there was no way she was going to let Clarke wander around the city at night, drunk.

  
“I promise to leave as soon as I get you back to your room,” she tried to compromise.

  
Clarke seemed to be fuming and she continued to walk away, swerving as she struggled in her heels, getting too close to the edge of the sidewalk. Lexa hustled to keep up with her. If Clarke wasn’t to let her walk her home, she’d at least follow her to make sure she made it home safely.

  
As Clarke made it to the edge of the sidewalk, one block from her dorm she turned around and faced Lexa, “I needed you Lexa and you didn’t show. I don’t need you anymore. I just need you to leave me alone,” she backed up in to the crosswalk. Walking backwards, she didn’t see the red hand telling her not to cross. In her drunken stupor she didn't register the car coming towards her. And the car didn’t see her until it was too late and she slammed in to the hood of the car before falling limp to the ground.

  
“Clarke!” Lexa screamed as she ran to the girl. She pulled her in to her arms as the driver quickly exited his vehicle and started dialing 911. “Clarke, please be okay.” She smoothed down her hair and tried to staunch the bloodflow coming out of the large injury on the girl’s head. “Clarke please, please be okay.” Tears were falling on to Clarke’s face from Lexa’s eyes. “I’m sorry, I thought it would be better. I was wrong. I’m sorry, I should have been there for you. Baby please be okay. You’re not allowed to die. Please. I love you.”

  
Clarke never heard Lexa’s sobs.

 

* * *

 

When Lexa woke the next morning crying, tears soaking her pillow as a woman shook her awake.

  
“Lex baby, it’s just a dream. Wake up.”

  
At the sound of Clarke’s voice, Lexa opened her eyes and breathed, “Clarke, you’re okay.”

  
It was August 19th, 2009.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me at madgirlbackhome.tumblr.com


	4. She Was Her Eternity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's August 2009 and Lexa says goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the encouragements everyone! The plan is still 7 chapters, but at this rate I might split the last chapter in to 2. We'll see!

When Lexa woke the next morning crying, tears soaking her pillow as a woman shook her awake.

  
“Lex baby, it’s just a dream. Wake up.”

  
At the sound of Clarke’s voice, Lexa opened her eyes and breathed, “Clarke, you’re okay.” For a moment, she thought she was back in her original life. She thought it was all a dream, the botched proposal, Costia dying, Clarke dying, all of it. That was, until she registered the suitcases on the other side of the room and she knew what day it was.

  
It was August 19th, 2009, the day Clarke was leaving for California. The original plan was for them both to go to graduate schools in New York, until Clarke got in to Stanford. It was one of the best programs and Lexa wouldn’t let Clarke turn it down. And today was the day she was leaving. They would be starting classes on opposite sides of the country the next week, Clarke at Stanford Medical School and Lexa at Columbia Law School. In another life they lasted long distance for a year, before Clarke transferred to Columbia. She decided that the Columbia program was just as good, and that both their studies were suffering by not being together.

  
“What’s wrong?” Clarke asked, leaning in to Lexa and placing a kiss on her cheek.

  
“It was just a dream,” Lexa shook her head. She didn’t know what was real anymore, because nothing made any sense.

  
“Okay,” Clarke narrowed her eyebrows in concern. Lexa wished she could tell her, but she couldn’t. “We need to leave for the airport soon.” Her voice was filled with sadness.

  
Lexa nodded and got out of bed. While Clarke finished making sure she’d packed everything, Lexa made herself a cup of coffee and Clarke a cup of orange juice. Clarke smiled gratefully as she drank it.

  
They took a taxi to the airport, Lexa had her arm wrapped around Clarke, who was nuzzling in to her side in the backseat. They barely spoke the entire car ride, but took comfort in each other’s presence. Lexa spent the car ride trying to figure out why life kept tormenting her, forcing her to relive moments in her life. She briefly realized that this was the third Wednesday she was reliving, but couldn’t see how the day of the week affected it.

  
Lexa knew that each day was important to her and Clarke’s relationship, so maybe the universe was letting her relive those days to make a different decision, one that would give Clarke a chance at a happier life. It didn’t take much thought to realize the decision she would have to make that day. It made more sense than leaving Clarke alone after Wells died. Maybe this was the day their lives were supposed to part. The ring that sat in her pocket would never be used.

  
The ride to the airport was shorter than either girl would have liked, and before they knew it, Clarke’s bags were checked and it was time for her to go through security. They held on to each other tight, neither wanting to let go. Lexa gave Clarke one last squeeze before she broke away.

  
“I love you Clarke,” she began, “God I love you, but I think this is going to be too hard.”

  
“We’ll be fine Lex, we’ve already planned out our first Skype date,” Clarke responded.

  
“No. I mean, yes, we will be fine, but,” Lexa put on a straight, detached face, “I think we should break up. Maybe, there will be a time in the future where our lives align again, but at the moment I do not believe that being in a long distance relationship is healthy for either of us.” She never planned on seeing Clarke again, she couldn’t. It would be too hard.

  
“What?” Clarke’s voice cracked at Lexa’s statement. “No, Lexa we can do it. I know we can.”

  
Unable to watch as the tears welled in Clarke’s eyes, Lexa simply shook her head. She kissed the girl’s cheek softly on instinct before turning away. “I’m sorry Clarke.”

  
She left the girl there, alone in the line for security and walked away.

 

* * *

 

After leaving Clarke at the airport, she called Lexa every day for a month. After that month though, she never tried again. Lexa had never picked up. She even deleted Clarke’s number from her contacts.

  
Years passed and Lexa graduated from Law School. She made partner at her firm when she was 28, something she had yet to do in her original life. She had no Clarke, but she also had no distractions. She lost contact with Octavia, her last link to anyone she was friends with in college.

  
Eight years passed since she left Clarke and Lexa was thirty. She never made it to thirty in any of her previous lives. As soon as April 2015 has passed, she began to accept the fact that she was living her true life. There was no going back and repeating days anymore.

  
It was the summer the 2018 and Lexa was finally using her vacation days. She and Anya were out in California for the week for their cousin Echo’s wedding. It had been a long time since Lexa has dwelled on her original life, but Echo’s wedding brought it back. In her original life, Echo had met Bellamy at Lexa’s law school graduation party and had married him several months later. And a year after that, they’d had a daughter. But Echo never met Bellamy in this new life, and was instead marrying a man Lexa didn’t particularly like; John Murphy.

  
It was two days before the wedding and Lexa was getting drunk for the first time in a long time. She figured it was her cousin’s bachelorette party, how could she not? Three drinks in and Lexa was drunk. Anya and Echo made fun of her for turning in to a lightweight, but Lexa argued that she didn’t have time to building up a tolerance when she was always working.

  
Tired of her sister and cousin’s taunting, Lexa left them at a booth in search of the Club’s bathroom. She followed a brunette in to the bathroom and quickly went in to an open stall. As she was washing her hands, the brunette she’d followed in flushed her own toilet, then came to wash her hands in the sink next to Lexa’s.  
Lexa turned off her sink, dried her hands and returned to the mirror to fix her make up. She she looked in the mirror, she saw the face of the brunette standing next to her. In her drunken state she gasped way too loudly to be discreet and the brunette looked up in to the mirror as well, meeting Lexa’s gaze. Her jaw dropped to mimic Lexa’s.

  
“Lexa?” she asked.

  
“Clarke?” Lexa returned, still in shock at not only seeing Clarke, but seeing her as a brunette.

  
Lexa didn’t have time to say anything else before Clarke pulled her in to a hug. “It’s so great to see you!” she exclaimed. Lexa could tell from Clarke’s eyes that the girl was drunk as well, but she wasn’t sure her reaction to seeing Lexa again was what she expected. “What are you doing in California?” She asked, pulling out of the hug, but keeping her hands on Lexa’s shoulders.

  
“My cousin Echo is getting married, it’s her bachelorette party,” Lexa responded cautiously.

  
“I’m here for a bachelorette party as well,” Clarke responded with a grin.

  
“Yours?” Lexa couldn’t help but ask.

  
Clarke laughed and shook her head, “No, my friend Maya’s.” She then dropped her hands from Lexa’s shoulder and held up her left hand, showing her the decently sized diamond ring and wedding band on her ring finger. “I’m already married. Just over six years now.”

  
Whenever Lexa allowed herself to think about Clarke, she’d always just pictured her excelling in her career. She’d never let herself think about Clarke’s love life. “Oh,” she finally managed to sputter, “Wow, congrats. Who’s the lucky person?”

  
“Bellamy,” Clarke nodded in response. “I don’t know if you remember, but he moved out here after he graduated college the year before us. He made it easy to live here after we…after we broke up.” Clarke tried to avoid the awkward topic, but it still seemed to linger. “Anyway, we dated for about a year before we got married. Before most of our friends, but it was worth it.”

  
“I’m glad it all worked out for you,” Lexa responded honestly. After all, that was all she wanted. All she ever wanted was for Clarke to be happy.  
A group of girls entered the bathroom and suddenly it was loud and crowded and the two brunettes were pushed together. “Do you want to go dance or something?” Clarke asked and Lexa nodded, following the other girl out the door.

  
With the loud music and colored lights, Lexa was reminded of her first night with Clarke. Halloween, all those years ago. It seemed like Clarke was remembering it too, because when she started dancing closer to her, she whispered in her ear how good Lexa looked. And just like that first time, Lexa wasn’t sure which of them started it, but suddenly they were kissing. Lexa was drunk on alcohol and Clarke Griffin. Even if she was now Clarke Blake.

  
Before she knew it, she was leading Clarke out of the club, walking her towards her hotel down the street. She quickly texted Anya to tell her to stay out of the room until told otherwise. In between heated kisses, Lexa unzipped Clarke’s dress and Clarke unbuttoned Lexa’s blouse. They were on Lexa’s bed in moments, trying to undress as quickly as possible.

  
Lexa ran her hands hungrily over Clarke’s body. It wasn’t as taut as it had been the last time she’d felt it at 22, nor as well kept as it had been when they were 28 in another life. But she felt so real, and Lexa hadn’t felt anything so real in a long time.

  
They were out of sync at first, Clarke hungry and forceful where Lexa was soft and slow, but eventually they came to an easy rhythm. And as they lay together naked, limbs and sheets tangled between them, they struggled to catch their breath. Lexa brushed a stray strand of Clarke’s brown hair behind her ear. “When did you dye it?” she asked.

  
“They day I stopped calling you,” Clarke answered honestly, speaking matter-of-factly.

  
Lexa withdrew her hand from Clarke’s cheek, “Oh.”

  
“I just needed something new,” Clarke explained, “I needed to separate my new life from the one I had with you. I know we weren’t even together two years, but it just felt necessary.”

  
Hearing Clarke refer to their relationship as something so insignificant that it wasn’t only two years nearly broke Lexa’s heart again. To Lexa it was still six years in her first life, plus three months in her last and a day in her current life. But it felt like everything about her lives had revolved around Clarke. Clarke wasn’t less than two years, she was Lexa’s eternity.

  
Their conversation was interrupted by the sound of Clarke’s phone ringing. Clarke quickly stood up and rummaged around for her purse before withdrawing her phone and answering it, “Hi Mom. Yeah, sorry I’ll be home soon. Did they get to bed okay? Okay good. Yeah, Bellamy probably won’t be back until morning knowing Jasper. Love you too. Bye.” She hung up her phone and turned back to Lexa. Realizing that she was standing in the middle of the room naked, she quickly started to gather up her clothes. As she pulled on her panties and clipped back on her bra she said, “Sorry, that was my mom. She’s watching the kids tonight since I had the bachelorette party and Bell had Jasper’s bachelor party.”

  
Lexa’s eyes widened at Clarke’s mention of her children. “You have kids?” she asked.

  
Clarke blushed, realizing that she’d shown her hand. “Three, yeah. Wells is five and Jake and Kate are three.”

  
“I didn’t realize.”

  
“Well it’s not like we’ve kept in touch. Or rather, you chose not to stay in touch, dropping off the face of the planet to everyone. Even Octavia. She and Lincoln got married two years ago, you know? Everyone else came to the wedding.” Lexa was unable to hide her hurt fast enough, and Clarke clearly noticed it. “Sorry, that wasn’t fair. That’s the past. Are you around tomorrow? I could use some company at Wells’ soccer game.”

  
Lexa didn’t know why she nodded in agreement, but she did. “Okay.”

  
“Great, I’ll text you the details.”

  
“I can give you my phone number,” Lexa offered.

  
“Has it changed?”

  
“No.”

  
“I still have it,” Clarke admitted with a sheepish smile.

  
“Okay.”

  
“Okay.”

  
“See you tomorrow Lexa,” Clarke smiled as she left Lexa alone, naked in her hotel bed.

 

* * *

 

Lexa pretended to be asleep when Anya returned to their shared hotel room. Seeing Lexa’s face in the morning, Anya didn’t ask why the room smelled like sex. She wasn’t sure what had happened. As far as Anya knew, her sister hadn’t hooked up with anyone since Clarke, so she didn’t want to question the matter. She didn’t even ask where Lexa was going when Lexa said she would be gone that afternoon, even though it was the day before Echo’s wedding and they had the rehearsal dinner at night.

  
When Lexa finally found the field of little league soccer players, the game had already started. From the bleachers, Clarke waved at her to come sit with her, which she obliged.

  
“So which one is Wells?” Lexa asked, gesturing to the field.

  
“The one over there picking his nose,” Clarke laughed as she pointed to the little brown-haired boy standing in goal, picking his nose. Lexa laughed along with Clarke. The boy had Bellamy’s darker features, and from far away didn’t seem to look much like Clarke at all. “And those two over there are Jake and Kate,” she pointed over to the two toddlers playing off to the side of the bleachers in a sand pit. The twins also had Bellamy’s dark features. The Blake genes were clearly strong. Lexa had always imagined Clarke’s children blonde. Little Clarkes with blonde hair and blue eyes.

  
“You have a family,” Lexa spoke out loud the obvious. Clarke knew what Lexa meant by her words. And simply nodded. Not ready to address the elephant in the room, Lexa diverted the conversation to a safer topic. “So what do you do then? How did med school and everything go.”

  
Maybe it wasn’t such a safe topic, because Clarke started by sighing in response. “Med school was good. It took longer than expected because of the wedding and Wells, but I graduated. I’m a doctor, but I don’t practice. I decided it was better for me to stay home with the kids. I don’t mind though.”

  
So Clarke still wasn’t really a doctor in this life. Lexa still hadn’t been able to fix that. “What about your art?” she asked.

  
“I’ve gotten very good at coloring books,” she laughed in response. “I don’t have time for much else.”

  
Clarke in this life didn’t have medicine or art.

  
“Are you happy?” Lexa asked, wanting - no needing - to know the answer.

  
Clarke looked from her twins, to her older son, then twisted her neck to the side to look at Lexa. “I’m happy enough,” she responded honestly. She reached out and intertwined her fingers with Lexa’s.

  
“And Bellamy?” Lexa asked, wondering how Clarke could be okay with cheating on her husband.

  
“We work well together. He’s the father of my children. And I do love him.”

  
“Are you in love with him?” Lexa wanted clarification.

  
Instead of answering Lexa’s question, Clarke rested her head on Lexa’s shoulder. “Do you ever what would have happened if we decided to work through the distance?” But Lexa doesn’t wonder, because she knows. And she knows it ends up with Clarke unhappy.

  
“Sometimes,” Lexa answers, not entirely lying.

  
“I wish we had.” Clarke’s voice is barely over a whisper, but Lexa hears it anyway.

  
They stayed in that position until the game ended and Clarke ruffled Wells’ hair, telling him how great of a job he did. She then grabbed Jake and Kate from the sand pit and led them back to their minivan, buckling them in to car seats. She shut the doors and turned to Lexa, who was waiting to say goodbye.

  
“I guess this is goodbye then,” Lexa offered, extending her hand to the now-brunette.

  
Ignoring Lexa’s hand, Clarke pulled Lexa into a hug. “I didn’t realize how hard this would be,” she whispered into her ear. She pulled away and pressed her lips on to Lexa’s cheek, lingering for a moment longer than necessary. “Goodbye Lexa.” She pulled away and turned away. Lexa saw the tears beginning to well in Clarke’s eyes but said nothing. She let the girl pull away in her car.

 

* * *

 

At Echo and Murphy’s rehearsal dinner that night, Lexa couldn’t help but wonder why it was that she and Clarke kept evading happiness. She wondered how it was that she kept messing things up for herself and Clarke, and others as well. Looking at Echo and Murphy, she didn’t see Echo’s eyes light up the way they did for Bellamy in another life.

  
That night, Lexa found herself holding the ring that she hadn’t let leave her body in years, reminding herself of her choices. She fell in to a fitful sleep, and when she woke up back in New York she knew she was given a new choice.

  
It was 2012 again and she was alone in bed. But this time, she was going to make sure Clarke made the right choice this time. Lexa wasn’t going to let her make the wrong choice. This time she was going to do it differently.

  
Because on that January day in their original lives, Clarke chose art. This time, Lexa was going to make sure she chose medicine. And maybe then, they could live a life of happiness. Because after living four lives that ended unhappily for them both, Lexa needed a happier one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me at: madgirlbackhome.tumblr.com


	5. We Were Happy For A While

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's January 2012 and Lexa convinces Clarke not to drop out of med school

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I clearly got none of my school work done today, since I'm posting my second chapter of the day. Also, I've added an epilogue chapter to the outline, so now there will be 8 chapters instead of 7!

It was 2012 again and she was alone in bed. But this time, she was going to make sure Clarke made the right choice this time. Lexa wasn’t going to let her make the wrong choice. This time she was going to do it differently.

  
Because on that January day in their original lives, Clarke chose art. This time, Lexa was going to make sure she chose medicine. And maybe then, they could live a life of happiness. Because after living four lives that ended unhappily for them both, Lexa needed a happier one and sometime in between Anya’s maid of honor speech and dessert, she realized that Clarke had given up becoming a doctor in every life, and that was the source of her pain.

  
Finding herself again in the apartment she’d shared with Clarke, was surreal to Lexa. She was unsurprised when she found the ring tucked in to her bra, and after hiding it in her briefcase, Lexa changed in to jeans and a sweater. It was a rare Wednesday that she didn’t have work, but that’s part of what made that Wednesday so special the first time around. Lexa had been able to go with Clarke to change her life’s path.

  
Lexa walked in to the kitchen, finding Clarke humming to a song in her head as she flipped bacon on the stove. The light that shone in through the window to her side lit up her golden hair like a halo and Lexa couldn’t help but smile.

  
“I don’t want you to ever dye your hair brown,” Lexa spoke, announcing her presence to the girl.

  
Clarke turned around, a spatula in one hand and a piece of half eaten bacon in the other. The other half of the bacon stuck out of the blonde’s mouth. She grinned seeing her girlfriend awake and quickly swallowed the bacon before responding, “Why would I ever do that? You’re such a sucker for blondes.”

  
This was her. This was the Clarke that Lexa’s heart yearned for. She walked around the island counter and pulled Clarke in to a good morning kiss. “You taste like bacon,” she laughed, to which Clarke took the second half of her piece of bacon half in her mouth, leaning forward. Lexa laughed and ate the bacon with Clarke Lady and the Tramp style.

  
“So I think we should go down to the office around ten,” Clarke spoke after moving her mouth away from Lexa’s, but still remaining very close to her. “This way we don’t have to worry about them being at lunch and I can sign the paperwork and we can spend the rest of the day together, doing whatever we want.” The smile fell from Lexa’s face and Clarke furrowed her forehead in confusion. “What’s wrong?”

  
“I don’t think you should drop out of the residency program,” Lexa admitted. After all, wasn’t that the source of their problems back in Lexa’s original life? Clarke had felt under-accomplished because her art wasn’t being given the appreciation it deserved. “You’ve dedicated so much time to it, and I know right now it’s hard and we hardly ever see each other, but once you graduate you’ll be a doctor! I always say you’ve wanted to be a doctor like your mom entire life. And once you decide on your speciality and graduate, your schedule will be easier to manage and it will be worth it. It’s only 18 more months of this. We did half that long distance. We can do this.”

  
In the past, Lexa had always let Clarke drive her own decisions when it came to medical school, so Lexa’s outburst surprised Clarke. “Are you sure?” she asked hesitantly. Clarke was supposed to sign the withdrawal papers that day.

  
“I’m sure Clarke,” Lexa reached up her hands, cupping Clarke’s face. “You’re going to be the best doctor. You’re going to save the lives of children, annoying teenagers, their parents and old people, or whatever you choose to specialize in. You’re going to be great and I’ll get to tell all my clients that my wife saves lives for a living.

  
Lexa didn’t register her decision in words until the look of shock fell across Clarke’s face. After still remembering a married Clarke, Echo’s rehearsal dinner, and the old ruby ring, Lexa’s mind had been on marriage. “Wife?” Clarke asked.

  
After quickly doing the math to figure out how old she was in that moment, Lexa responded in all honesty, “Marry me Clarke. I know we’re only twenty-five and everything is busy in our lives, but I love you and I want you to be my wife. So marry me.” Clarke gasped and kissed Lexa full on the mouth. “Is that a yes?” Lexa asked after Clarke pulled away, still wide-eyed and smiling.

  
“Of course it’s a yes!” she responded.

  
In a moment of courage Lexa continued, “Marry me today.”

  
“What?” the blonde gasped.

  
“We’re young and in love, and I haven’t picked out a ring for you yet, but I want to be your wife and I want you to be mine. So marry me. Today.” Lexa knew she had the ruby ring in their bedroom, but that ring belonged to a different proposal, one that would never come to pass. This was going to be a new life and it deserved a new ring.

  
They were both caught up in the moment, but neither cared. “Yes. Yes I’ll marry you today. Definitely.” This time it was Lexa who brought Clarke in to a kiss that lasted until neither could breathe.

  
“What about our families and friends?” Clarke asked, bringing reality back to the conversation.

  
“We’ll have a party when it gets warm out. They can celebrate with us then. Let’s make the ceremony just about us. Because our marriage is ours.”

  
“You’re such a romantic sap Lexa,” Clarke giggled, kissing her softly.

  
That afternoon, instead of signing papers to withdraw from medical school, Clarke signed a marriage license alongside her new wife.

 

* * *

 

They were married for just over two years. The first few months were stressful with their work schedules, but every moment they had together was like a honeymoon. But after Clarke became a pediatric oncology specialist, her schedule became even more hectic and it the couple went days without seeing each other.

  
Clarke lost more patients than she could save. Spending day after day around dying children tormented her. She felt that she was always around death. She gave up her art altogether. She claimed to not have enough time for it, but both she and Lexa knew it was because it was hard for her to see beauty anymore.

  
Clarke stopped bringing up having children of their own about a year in to their marriage. When Lexa asked about it, Clarke shut her down. She told her she didn’t want children anymore, that she had seen enough children die to know that she could never live through losing her own child. She wouldn’t listen when Lexa told her the odds of actually losing a child were slim. Clarke, fed up with the conversation brought up Costia’s murder and spent the night at Raven’s. It was watching Clarke lose hope, however, that hurt Lexa more than Clarke bringing up Costia. She’d come to peace with Costia’s death. But she had also seen Clarke with children. Twice. And both times they had been the best part of Clarke’s life.

  
Even after Clarke graduated, her schedule didn’t let up. Soon, Lexa and Clarke were on complete opposite schedules, and during the rare times they were together, they argued. They argued about trying to figure out how one or both of them could change their schedules. They argued about vacation time, and going to functions together. They argued about their future and having a family. Lexa never would have thought she would be the one yearning for a family, trying to convince Clarke.

  
It was Clarke who said they should get divorced. They’d gotten in to an argument after going 72 hours without seeing one another. They were both sleep deprived, and all their grievances were aired. They were both crying when Clarke finally said, “I can’t do this anymore. I think we should get divorced.” Lexa couldn’t do anything but nod in agreement. Clarke wasn’t happy anymore, but maybe if they were divorced she could find happiness again.

  
That night, they slept together for the first time in months, and afterwards they held each other, afraid of the unknown. Afraid of what would happen once they let go. The fact that they slept together didn’t change Clarke’s mind when it came to getting a divorce. It was just something they needed to do one last time. To say goodbye. Lexa wished they hadn’t. It made filing the paperwork even harder. Even if she knew it was the right thing to do.

  
It was an easy divorce. They didn’t have children and their assets were easy to divide. Somehow, they even divided their friends with the divorce. Clarke kept Raven and Lexa kept everyone else. Clarke may have been the one to introduce Lexa to Monty, Jasper and Bellamy, but she’d lost their friendships with her schedule.

 

* * *

 

Years later, Lexa stood in Echo and Bellamy’s kitchen, watching the news while they went to pick up Lincoln, Octavia and their two kids from the train station for Bellamy’s birthday party. Lexa was left on babysitting duty, watching the now eight-year-old Delilah Blake and her five-year-old brother Caspian. She was making lunch for the two, when Clarke’s face came on the screen.

  
Lexa dropped the half-made peanut butter and jelly sandwich at the sight of her. They’d been divorced for eight years, but seeing the blonde still gave Lexa butterflies. The brunette turned up the volume on the television, trying to find out what Clarke was doing there.

  
She was being interviewed about being on the cover of Time Magazine. Somehow Lexa had missed that. She’d made some kind of breakthrough discovery in some childhood cancer. Clarke stated that the discovery had been a miracle and that now she was working on using the drug for other various forms of cancers. Lexa had never felt more proud of her ex-wife. She’d really made it. Not only was she successful, but she was saving lives.

  
When the interviewer asked Clarke what she did to celebrate the discovery though, her response told Lexa that Clarke wasn’t as happy as she deserved to be. “As soon as Charles was declared fully cancer free, I let myself breathe in the relief. Then I let myself have a glass of wine in front of my television and treated myself to some Chinese takeout.” The interviewer laughed along with Clarke, but Lexa could see past the laughter. She could read between the lines. Clarke didn’t have anyone. She was alone.

  
Lexa hadn’t met anyone either. She’d let Octavia set her up on a few dates, but none of them ever got serious. She dated a girl named Monroe for a while, but Lexa broke it off when she realized that she wouldn’t be able to reciprocate Monroe’s feelings for her. Lexa was happy enough. She didn’t feel the need to be in a relationship with anyone. She enjoyed spending time with her friends who were suddenly all married, without feeling like she needed someone to be with. She was a partner at her law firm and very well respected in her profession. She was decently happy, and had even toyed with the idea of adopting on her own. It was something she never would have thought of doing before seeing how children had made Clarke happy. Another Clarke. Different Clarkes in different lives.

  
“Aunt Lexa, is lunch ready?” came the voice of a young girl who knew nothing of heartbreak and Lexa turned off the television, returning to the life she was living, rather than what could have been.

 

* * *

 

Lexa was fifty and had nearly forgotten the past lives she lived. They were all distant memories, the only proof of them was a ring hidden somewhere in the back of her closet. She never ended up adopting. She didn’t think she was qualified to be a single parent. She was moderately happy though, she was excelling in work at her firm, but also was sure to make time to spend time with her friends and family.

  
It’s when she is fifty that she sees Clarke again. Twenty-three years had passed since their divorce and yet when Lexa saw Clarke out to dinner with what looked like some kind of executive board, she recognized her right away. She waved from across the room from her table with Anya at Clarke. Clarke simply gave her a tight lipped smile before returning to the conversation at the table.

  
When Clarke excused herself to go to the bathroom, Lexa made the decision to follow her. Clarke didn’t seem surprised when Lexa opened the door to the bathroom.

  
“Hello Lexa,” she gave her a slight smile. Her face was already starting to get wrinkles and her eyes no longer sparkled, but Lexa could never see her as anything other than beautiful.

  
“Hello Clarke,” Lexa responded. “How are you? I’ve seen you on the news a few times.”

  
Clarke blushed slightly at Lexa’s response before saying, “I’ve been well. Very busy. I’m here meeting with a group of donors about opening a new cancer research hospital.”

  
“That’s great Clarke, I’m really proud of you,” Lexa spoke in all honesty. “I’m glad you’re happy.”

  
The statement wasn’t true of Clarke, however, and the blonde’s face showed it. “I’m happy that I’m helping people.” Her words weren’t false, but they didn’t tell the whole story.

  
“Are you happy Clarke?” Lexa asked, point blank, the memory of her last life coming to her for the first time in years, when she’d asked Clarke the same thing after an encounter in a different bathroom.

  
“I don’t think it’s possible to do what I do without giving up your happiness,” Clarke admitted. They hadn’t seen each other in two decades, and probably wouldn’t see each other again, so she had no trouble admitting the truth. “Are you happy Lexa?”

  
Lexa thought carefully for a moment before responding, “I’m happy I got to see you again.”

  
Clarke smiled a small smile at Lexa, but it didn’t light up her eyes. Her eyes seemed dead, rid of all emotions. Much like Lexa had been after Costia’s murder. Clarke after Lexa was like Lexa after Costia, and that scared Lexa.

  
“You deserve to be happy,” Lexa spoke, before adding quietly, “We both do.”

  
“We were,” the blonde sighed.

  
With that, Clarke turned and left the bathroom. Lexa asked Anya to switch seats after she returned so that she wouldn’t be able to watch Clarke.

  
That night for the first time in years, she searched for the old ruby ring and held it close as she fell asleep alone. For not the first time, she wished she’d done it all differently. She wished she’d found a way to make Clarke’s happiness and her’s part of the same path. She wished she’d tried harder.

  
When she woke the next morning, she was no longer fifty. She was twenty-eight and it was Thursday. It was Thursday April 25th, 2015.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is Lexa done repeating days? Hmm...
> 
> find me at madgirlbackhome.tumblr.com


	6. A Brief History of Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There once a girl named Alexandria Heda who fell in love with a girl, and then with another girl. She lived a life full of choices, and these are the ones she made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the encouraging comments and kudos! I'm having so much fun writing this story, and with only two chapters left for me to write it's going to be sad to finish! As always, I hope you enjoy :)

_June 15th 2005_

Lexa was drunk and in love and the sound of waves crashing against the shore blended with Mr. Brightside to form the soundtrack of the night. She’d graduated from high school that morning alongside her girlfriend, Costia Crewe. Lexa knew nothing of heartbreak or despair, all she knew was that she was happy, and the sound of her laughter danced with the flames of a bonfire, tickling roasting marshmallows and blending with long swigs of alcohol.

  
The brunette let her long curly hair spin in the wind as she drew Costia close to her. Their toes dug in to the sand and their lips tasted like salt and alcohol. Someone yelled for them to get a room, and they simply laughed into each other’s mouths. They finally pulled apart to take shots and Caris grabbed their hands.  
“Come play truth or dare with us!” she pleaded. Caris had been Lexa’s co-captain on the soccer team and was one of her closest friends. Lexa responded by nodding enthusiastically and Costia held up one finger.

  
“You go ahead babe, I’m going to grab us some drinks,” Costia insisted.

  
“Don’t take too long,” came Lexa’s response as she tangled her fingers in the girls bright red hair, pulling her towards her for one more salty kiss before they walked in opposite directions.

  
Lexa sat on the sand beside the roaring fire, not caring about the sand crusting on to where the hem of her dress was wet from running on the ocean’s edge with her girlfriend. She’d just finished being dared to take a shot off Caris’ stomach when their game was interrupted by Artigas running towards them, his face pale as he screamed for someone to call 911.

  
The were drinking, underage and the fact that one of the biggest drinkers of them all was calling for the police jolted everyone out of position. He made eye contact with Lexa and said, out of breath, “It’s Costia.”

  
The sound of her girlfriend’s name propelled Lexa in to action as she sprinted in the direction Artigas had come. He tried to grab on to her, preventing her from seeing the bloody scene, but Lexa was an athlete and he was already getting a beer belly.

  
She saw Costia’s body slumped against the car and rushed towards her. She fell to the ground beside her, not feeling the pain of the skin on her knees breaking open. She held on to Costia, shaking her, telling her to get up. But Costia wouldn’t move. There was blood everywhere, and soon it soaked Lexa as well.

  
Eventually, there were hands pulling her away from her girlfriend’s body and a blanket being wrapped around her by a paramedic. They tried to treat her for shock and she wouldn’t speak. Tears fell silently from her eyes until there was nothing left for her to cry out. Gustus and Anya came and held her before taking her home.

  
She sat with Costia’s parents and brothers at the funeral and gave a eulogy. And holding the hand of Costia’s youngest brother Joseph as they tossed flowers into the teenagers grave, Lexa swore to herself the love was weakness, and she found never to feel it again.

 

* * *

 

 

_October 21st 2007_

Octavia looped an arm each around Lincoln and Lexa as they wandered in to the loud fraternity house, dressed as Hugh Hefner. Lexa was definitely starting to feel drunk, something she found necessary after a mix up at the costume store resulted in her wearing a pirate costume that she found slightly too revealing.  
Upon entering the party, the first thing they did was get beers from the makeshift bar. Octavia was definitely the drunkest of the three of them, and was already starting to grind up on Lincoln. It wasn’t something that Lexa had never seen, but that didn’t mean she wanted to feel like she was third wheeling the entire night.

  
Spotting Octavia’s older brother across the room, she pointed him out to her only friend. She’d met Bellamy a few times and knew he was a senior while they were juniors, but other than that she hadn’t spent much time with him.

  
“Do you want to go say hi to your brother?” Lexa asked, hoping that maybe in her brother’s presence that Octavia’s dancing would be last X-rated.

  
Octavia rolled her eyes at Lexa, but agreed nevertheless, dragging her and Lincoln over to the dark haired boy. The group of them were all talking in a circle, bobbing along to the music. Lexa had never met any of Bellamy’s friends, but he seemed to be engrossed in conversation with three other guys and two girls. Particularly the blonde. Upon seeing his sister, her boyfriend and her roommate, Bellamy introduced them to his friends; Wells, Monty, Jasper, Raven and Clarke. Lexa shook each of their hands, but held on slightly to long to the hand of the girl dressed as Tinkerbell. She got lost in the girl’s bright blue eyes that sparkled even in the dark of the party.

  
Octavia may have been drunk, but if anything that just heightened her perceptiveness when it came to Lexa. Or maybe it was Lexa being drunk that made it more obvious. But as soon as Lexa dropped Clarke’s hand, Octavia put an arm around the brunette and whispered loudly in her ear so that she could be heard above the music, “I dare you to ask her to dance.” On the rare occasions Lexa had agreed to go out with Octavia, they’d always played games of dares. It had helped Lexa relax easier and Octavia loved to play games.

  
Lexa didn’t know if it were the alcohol, or her unusually revealing costume, or the way Clarke’s lips curved to one side when she smiled at something Raven said, but whatever it was, it gave Lexa the courage to place a hand on the blonde’s bare shoulder as she leaned to ask, “Do you want to go dance?” The blonde’s lips curved once again as she nodded and let Lexa lead her further in to the dance floor.

  
Lexa wasn’t much of a dancer, but Clarke was, and the girl dressed as a fairy had no problem leading Lexa as she wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close. Their bodies grew sweaty as they grinded to Avril Lavigne. Clarke’s arms were around Lexa’s shoulders, and Lexa’s hands held on to Clarke’s moving hips.  
As party lights flashed and the bass thumped loudly, Clarke pulled Lexa’s head towards her and captured her lips between hers and almost immediately broke the seal between Lexa’s lips with her tongue. And they kissed until they were out of breath.

  
Their teeth clashed as bodies pushed against them, and Lexa pulled away. She grabbed Clarke’s hand, intertwining their fingers before dragging her out in to the October cold. She pushed the blonde against the wall, kissing her hard. This time it was Clarke who pulled away as she said, “I have a single.”

  
Lexa briefly registered the fact that Clarke would be her first since Costia, but Octavia had been helping her learn that the murder wasn’t her fault. And that she could be happy without insulting Costia’s memory. Lexa was okay with being happy. And what she was doing with Clarke was just lust. It wasn’t lust.

  
And lust was all she felt as she stripped off the girl’s winged costume and explored her body. And happiness is what she felt when Clarke returned the favor. Their naked bodies found each other over and over that night until they finally fell asleep, exhausted, in the early hours of the morning.

  
And when Lexa left Clarke still sleeping several hours earlier, she took the girl’s sweatshirt and left behind her phone number.

 

* * *

 

 

_December 12th 2007_

It was the morning of Lexa’s Politics of the United Nations final and she awoke to a face full of blonde hair and bad breath. She hated waking Clarke, but she wanted to make sure she said goodbye. For a couple weeks Lexa had been allowing herself to spend time with Clarke in the mornings, and even though she had to leave to study for her final, she wanted to say goodbye to Clarke. She pulled the blonde closer in to her embrace and let her hand travel under the covers, gently brushing the insides of Clarke’s thighs.

  
A moan escaped Clarke’s mouth and Lexa could help but smile at the adorable sound. “I have to go study,” she whispered in to the girl’s ear.

  
“Do you have to?” she responded groggily, opening her eyes and turning to face the brunette.

  
For a moment Lexa contemplated skipping studying, just so she could stay there with Clarke in her arms for several more hours. The thought scared Lexa. Thoughts like it had been plaguing her and going against her firm belief that love was weakness. She and Clarke may have been spending more time together sober, but it was still just about the sex. Wasn’t it? Lexa compromised by kissing Clarke’s nose affectionately before getting out from under the covers.

  
She brushed her teeth using the toothbrush she’d bought to keep at Clarke’s and dressed herself in her jeans and a sweatshirt over her bra. “I think that’s my sweatshirt,” Clarke teased as she watched Lexa get changed.

  
“But it looks better on me,” Lexa laughed in response. She leaned down to kiss Clarke’s lips once more before leaving her dorm room.

  
Lexa aced her final. She’d left Clarke’s early enough that she’d been able to spend most of the day studying before her 8pm final. Doing well on her test left Lexa in a good mood, and she’d even gone up to Professor Kane at the end of the exam to thank him for the semester.

  
It was after she left the exam hall, however, that Lexa took her phone out from her backpack and saw that she had five missed calls, a voicemail and three texts from Clarke. She immediately read the texts first.

  
**Clarke** : Please call me  
**Clarke** : It’s Wells, he was hit by a car  
**Clarke** : I need you.

  
She quickly called her voicemail to gather all the information first, but Clarke’s voice was barely intelligible between sobs. She immediately called the girl back.  
“Clarke? What’s wrong? What happened to Wells?”

  
“He…He…” she hiccuped, “I don’t know. They, they called his Dad, the-then me. They want me to come to the hospital, b-but I d-don’t want to go a-alone.”

  
“Where are you?” Lexa gave her hurried response, “I’m coming. I’ll be there in a minute.”

“My room.”

  
Lexa hung up quickly and hurried as fast as she could to Clarke’s room, where she found the girl struggling to find shoes. Lexa helped her lace on a pair of boots before they hailed a taxi to bring them to the hospital.

  
The brunette didn’t even look at the meter when they arrived at the hospital, she simply offered a few bills, definitely overpaying, to the taxi driver before exiting with Clarke. When they arrived at the hospital, a doctor pulled them aside and said that Wells Jaha had been hit by a drunk driver, and that he’d died on scene, but that they needed Clarke to identify the body.

  
“So it might not be him?” she asked, her voice cracking as she held on to a glimmer of hope.

  
Lexa grasped Clarke’s hand, intertwining their fingers as the doctor led them down to the coroner’s office. The moment they pulled the sheet away from his head, Clarke gasped and went limp. Lexa caught the blonde and turned her in to her chest, allowing her to let out sobs in to it. It was Wells, Clarke’s childhood best friend.

  
The thought of leaving Clarke’s side at any point in the weeks after Wells’ death didn’t even cross Lexa’s mind. Clarke needed her and that was all that mattered. It was after his funeral that Lexa finally realized that maybe love wasn’t weakness, and that maybe it was strength. It was then that she realized that with Clarke it would never be just about the sex between them anymore. It would be about love.

 

* * *

 

 

_August 19th 2009_

That morning, Clarke and Lexa barely left an inch between them. They were always touching in some respect. Clarke had her arms wrapped around Lexa from behind as the brunette made them breakfast and they sat on the couch together holding hands as they ate it. Shoulder to shoulder they finished packing up the rest of Clarke’s belongings. They were silent for most of the morning, “I love you” was spoken in a million languages by the way their eyes met and lips brushed.

  
Before they knew it, they were in a taxi on their way to the airport. Clarke was snuggled in to Lexa’s side and they held each other for what they knew to be the last time in a long time. “We’re going to be okay, right?” Clarke asked, uncertainty reverberating in her voice.

  
“We’re going to be great,” Lexa reassured her as they reached the airport and exited the car. They printed Clarke’s boarding pass and checked her luggage. They waited until the last moment before they knew the blonde would have to go through the security check point.

  
“Call me as soon as you land,” Lexa insisted, rubbing her hands up and down Clarke’s arms.

  
“Don’t forget to call the landlord this afternoon about the problem in the shower,” Clarke returned, causing them both to smile.

  
“What am I going to do without you?” Lexa asked.

  
“You won’t be without me silly,” Clarke wrapped her arms around her girlfriend, bringing her in to a tight hug before pulling away and resting her forehead against Lexa’s.

  
Lexa pressed a small kiss to Clarke’s lips and gave her a sad smile, “I’m going to miss you so much.”

  
“I love you too,” Clarke responded to the unspoken words they both knew to be true. The law student pulled her med student girlfriend in to one last hug before kissing her cheek and letting her walk through the security line, not letting her gaze leave the girl’s form before she was out of view.

 

* * *

 

 

_May 5th 2010_

  
They survived nine months long distance, with a break in the distance for when Lexa visited Clarke in California for Christmas. It was May 8th and Octavia was throwing Lexa a surprise birthday party. It was just before her finals and she was stressed and missing Clarke more than ever and Octavia thought it would be the perfect surprise.

  
Lexa put on a happy face, grateful for the fact that even if Clarke was thousands of miles away, she still had friends. Octavia had invited everyone from her Anya, Gustus and Echo, to Caris, Artigas and Monty, Jasper and Raven. Lexa was even surprised to see the Crewe brothers there. She’d always seen them as her own younger brothers, and seeing them again brought a genuine smile to her face.

  
The party wore on in to the night and Lexa grew concerned that she hadn’t heard from Clarke in hours. The girl had called her at exactly midnight to wish her Happy Birthday and they’d spoken for a while, but she hadn’t called again. Lexa knew that Clarke had finals coming up as well, but it wasn’t like her to only talk to Lexa once a day, especially since it was her birthday.

  
Lexa relented to Octavia and opened her presents from her friends and family. The fact that there was no package there waiting for her from Clarke didn’t escape Lexa’s notice.

  
“There’s one last present,” Octavia exclaimed, jumping up from Lincoln’s lap like she were seven and not twenty-three before exiting the living room. Someone turned off the lights and everyone starting singing Happy Birthday to her. Lexa knew a cake was coming towards her, and could see the shadows of the burning candles flickering against the wall, but stayed facing away from it, hating the attention being thrown her way. She noticed the way everyone around her seemed to smile even brighter and someone even gasped and Lexa wondered what was so special about the cake.

  
Curious, Lexa turned around in her chair. There was nothing special about the cake, but there was everything special about the woman holding it. Her skin was tanned from the California sun and her blonde curls perfectly framed her face. Her blue eyes sparkled as she sang to Lexa.

  
The song finished, but Lexa was still in shock and Clarke laughed, saying to her, “You have to make a wish and blow out the candles.”

  
“I don’t know what to wish for,” she admitted, causing everyone in the room to laugh. For a moment Lexa had forgotten that it wasn’t just her and Clarke in the room. She didn’t close her eyes as she wished for that moment to last forever before blowing out the candles.

  
Clarke handed the cake to Octavia who was grinning like crazy to cut and Lexa stumbled out of her chair, practically running around it to take Clarke in to her arms. Her friends and family all cheered. “What are you doing here?” she asked, still in shock as she kissed Clarke long and hard before the blonde could respond.

  
“I would never miss your birthday, babe,” Clarke giggled.

  
“But you have finals this week, and you’re supposed to come back to visit next month,” Lexa’s confusion was evident on her face, but she kept kissing Clarke regardless.

  
“I took my finals early, because I’m transferring,” she admitted.

  
“What?”

  
“Stanford is great, but it’s not worth it. Nothing is worth it without you. I applied to transfer to Columbia back in December and heard back a month ago. Keeping this from you has been almost as hard as not being with you, but I wanted it to be a surprise.”

  
“Are you sure?” Lexa asked, a smile giving away her glee.

  
“As sure as I am that I love you,” Clarke grinned back before pulling Lexa in for another kiss, during which the rest of the party cheered and someone (Raven) screamed for them to get a room. Both Lexa and Clarke gave her the middle finger as they continued kissing.

 

* * *

 

 

_January 18th 2012_

“I can’t believe I’m actually doing this,” Clarke exclaimed, bouncing up and down as she grabbed Lexa’s gloved hand with her own. “I had no idea how good this was going to feel!” She swung their connected arms between them and Lexa looked at the girl beside her, in awe of how happy she was.

  
They reached the office for medical residency and Clarke held Lexa back from entering. “Do you want me to wait out here?” Lexa asked.

  
“Tell me this is the right thing to do,” Clarke spoke, suddenly appearing unsure of her decision.

  
Lexa thought for a moment about the thousands of conversations they’d already had about the decision. They’d made pros and cons lists for both staying in the program and dropping out and Clarke had spoken to her peers, previous residents of the program, as well as several people in the art world about her ability to enter it. “Clarke, you don’t need me to tell you this is the right thing to do. You’ve already told yourself that. You said you’d never be happy having to be around people dying all the time, and that you no longer define yourself based on what your mother expects of you. You’re a fantastic artist Clarke, and I’m not just saying it because I get to see you naked whenever I say that.” Clarke smiled at the comment. “I’m not going to tell you that this is the right thing to do, because that’s not my job. My job is to support your decision no matter what. What I can tell you, however, is that this morning is that happiest I’ve seen you since you started your residency and that you know what you want, even if it is scary.”

  
“So you like to see me naked?” Clarke asked with a smirk.

  
“So I get all sentimental and philosophical on you, and all that you take from it is the fact that you make me horny?” Lexa asked.

  
Clarke shrugged before smiling again. “Thanks Lex. You’re right. Or rather, I’m right. Because this is what I want.” Clarke then pulled Lexa along with her into the building where she signed the paperwork that dropped her out of medical school.

  
Later that night, Clarke used the presents that Lexa had gotten her as a congratulations gift to paint her first canvas as a professional artist. She made Lexa pose for her in their bed, her hair wild and curly with sheets draped strategically around her. And after it was finished and dried and eventually framed, they hung it above the bed as a reminder of how great an artist Clarke was, and how Clarke’s art didn’t just get Clarke naked, but Lexa as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me at madgirlbackhome.tumblr.com  
> (and send me prompts for new stories/one-shots!)


	7. More In Love Each Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Thursday April 23rd, 2015 when Lexa wakes up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks again for all the support! The last chapter will probably be out tomorrow morning!

Lexa woke up shivering. It took her a moment to register her surroundings, finding herself in only her underwear on top of her duvet, in her childhood bedroom. While her shivering had woken her up, she realized quickly that she was in paint and that there was a sticky substance radiating from her hand. She groggily sat up and opened her palm to find the ruby ring digging in to it. She must have spent the night clutching it so tightly that it had drawn blood.

  
She placed the ring on her side table and lingered on the photo that was sitting there. She and Costia had been so happy back then. Suddenly, the memories came back to her. To vivid and detailed to be dreams, but too distant to be reality. A life with Costia, Clarke dying in her arms, an affair with her, and a life where neither found happiness. They were real in the fact that she remembered everything about them, but she also knew that they hadn’t actually happened. They couldn’t have. She felt the pressure of millions emotions at once, emotions from each moment of her lives, before they slowly started to ebb away, leaving her with one emotion stronger than the rest; uncertainty. Everything was hanging in the balance in that moment. Nothing was certain.

  
After cleaning the blood off the ring in her bathroom, Lexa returned to her bedroom and picked her phone off the floor. She hadn’t thought to plug it in to her charger and just after she was able to see that she had an assortment of missed calls, texts, and voicemails from Raven, Octavia and Lincoln, her phone died. She figured they must have somehow heard about the break-up, but with a dead phone she was unable to read any of their texts or listen to any of their voicemails.  
It was only after Lexa found an old Grounder High Soccer t-shirt to pull on and a pair of shorts, that she checked the time. It was 1:00pm and she had slept for nearly fifteen hours. She wasn’t sure she’d ever slept that long, not even on the weekends back in high school. The girl tucked the ring into a pocket in her shorts and left her room.

  
As Lexa walked down the stairs to the kitchen, she heard Anya speaking. Lexa was confused as to why on a Thursday, Anya wouldn’t be down at the gym she managed, and then she realized that Anya had probably taken the day off of work because of her. Briefly Lexa considered calling in to her own office about missing work, but didn’t care enough to bother.

  
“What are the odds though? If this works out, it would be just what we need,” spoke a male voice.

  
Lexa wasn’t sure who she was expecting to find in the kitchen with Anya, but it certainly wasn’t Caesar Crewe. Both Caesar and Anya turned around to face Lexa as she entered the room.

  
“Caesar?” Lexa spoke. She hadn’t seen him since her surprise twenty-third birthday party. They’d somewhat kept up through Facebook and emails, and she’d heard he’d moved back to Connecticut, but she definitely hadn’t expected to see him. Seeing him, however was a pleasant surprise, and as he offered her a small smile, obviously uncertain as to her current mood, Lexa hurried towards him and enveloped in a hug. “What are you doing here?” She stepped back to observe the man who she had once drove to school everyday and helped bake a birthday cake with when they were fifteen.

  
Caesar and Costia had been Irish Twins, born only eleven months a part, resulting in the fact that while they were in different grades, Lexa was actually closer in age to Caesar than Costia.

  
“I was just meeting with Anya about a project I’m working on,” he explained, scratching at the dark scruff on his face. Costia had been the only redhead out of her siblings.

  
“Do you want something to eat?” Anya asked, tentatively. The two were definitely being cautious around her, not sure what kind of mood she would be in.  
Caesar turned to Anya and spoke, “Don’t you think you should tell…”

  
He was interrupted by Anya quickly saying, “Because there’s plenty of food in the fridge,” before giving the man her infamous stink-eye.

  
Lexa was still too drained emotionally to read much in to the conversation. “I’m not hungry,” she sighed, “Also, can I borrow your phone charger? My phone died and…” she paused for a moment, thinking. What was she going to do once her phone was charged? She knew she had to do something about Clarke, and she knew what her heart wanted, but she didn’t know what Clarke wanted.

  
“Why don’t you go take a walk on the beach,” Anya suggested, “Clear your mind. Let yourself think for a while?” Caesar nodded beside her.

  
Lexa shrugged as she walked through the living room where a blanket lay on the couch. She wondered briefly if Anya had fallen asleep on the couch the night before. She’d done it all the time when they were younger. Lexa borrowed a pair of Anya’s flip flops before exited her home.

  
The house was only a quarter mile from the beach, and once Lexa arrived there, she walked along the water’s edge for a while. Her mind was shockingly quiet. Maybe it was that there was just too much to focus on. She knew she needed to talk to Clarke, but she didn’t know what to say. She wasn’t even sure what she wanted. In the lives she lived in her dream, leaving Clarke always had devastating consequences, but even when she married Clarke, they’d broken up.

  
Realizing she needed to actually think and sort it all out, Lexa took a seat in the sand, looking out over the ocean. She didn’t hear the figure approaching her, but saw the shadow when it came within a few feet of her.

  
Lexa turned towards the figure, expecting to find Anya, but instead it was a young woman with tear-stained cheeks and dark bags under her sad blue eyes.  
“Do you mind if I sit?” Clarke asked, gesturing to the sand beside the brunette.

  
Lexa was shocked at seeing Clarke there. She nodded her head, then registered the question and quickly shook it, saying that she wouldn’t mind. Clarke sat down beside Lexa, but left a foot of space between them, so as not to crowd her.

  
“What are you doing here Clarke?” Lexa finally asked, after the silence had gone on for long enough, “Did Anya tell you I was here?”

  
The blonde shook her head and explained, “I’ve been wandering around the beach all day, trying to get the courage to go back to your house and talk to you.”  
Suddenly, Lexa remembered the blanket on the couch. “When did you get here?” she asked.

  
Lexa turned her head to look at her girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend, and saw her blush slightly. “Around midnight. After I left you in the park, I went straight to Raven’s. At some point I threw my phone at the wall and it shattered, so I used Raven’s to try calling and texting you, but you never answered. So I called Octavia who hadn’t heard from you.” Clarke’s statement explained the calls and texts Lexa had seen on her phone. “I was so mad at you, but you weren’t picking up any of our calls.” Clarke took a deep breath and spoke in a softer voice, “I was scared.”

  
“So you came here?” Lexa tried to confirm.

  
“Anya called me after you showed up, she didn’t know what was going on. But by the time I got here, you were already asleep, so I just stayed. And when I woke up, I realized how dumb it was for me to come. And I remembered how angry I was at you. So I came out to the beach, trying to cool down. And I saw Caesar walking to Anya’s on the way. I talked to him for a bit, then I’ve been walking around ever since.”

  
Lexa then realized why Anya had been so insistent that she take a walk on the beach.

  
“I don’t know what to do Lex,” Clarke sighed. She continued to carry the conversation on her own. She always spoke more than Lexa did. “I know I walked away, but you hurt me. But I also know that I love you and I had the weirdest dream and I just don’t know anything anymore.”

  
Briefly Lexa wondered if Clarke’s dream had been anywhere near as weird as hers had been. Tentatively, Lexa reached out her hand and took the blonde’s in hers, intertwining their fingers together. She could sense Clarke exhale beside her, as if she had been holding her breath.

  
Lexa still hadn’t worked out what she wanted, or if there was some divine intercessor in her dream, but she spoke anyway, hoping to figure it out as she went along. “I used to think the world was chaotic and that things happened without reason. I know Costia had a lot to do with that. It was overly there in that parking lot that she was murdered,” Lexa pointed to the parking lot about a hundred meters away. Clarke squeezed her hand reassuringly, on instinct. “But I don’t think that anymore. Life is a series of choices, made by us and by others. Each of these choices have consequences, and nothing happens without reason. There’s a reason things happen and we make choices. It sucks sometimes, trying to figure out what the right choice is.”

  
“I don’t know what the right choice is either,” Clarke spoke and the girls faced each other in silence for several moments.

  
“If I had the chance to go back and make new choices though, I wouldn’t.” The words were out of Lexa’s mouth before she fully comprehended them. “I can’t regret things that were once what I wanted. I can’t yearn for a life that never came to pass. As much as I wish Costia had gotten to live a full life, I don’t dwell on that anymore. Because there’s nothing I can do. I made the choice to fall in love with you Clarke and damn it I keep falling. It’s inevitable.”

  
Clarke’s expression held no clues to her thoughts. Normally, Lexa could tell what she was thinking in a moment, but right then, she had no idea.

  
“We made choices together too. We made hard choices and they worked. We made it long distance for a year and both made choices to follow our passions.” At this point Lexa was starting to work it out more and more, and she hoped her ramblings were something Clarke could follow.

  
“I wouldn’t change any of it either,” Clarke spoke, her voice gruff. Lexa wondered if she’d gotten any sleep at all the night before. “I wouldn’t give up a moment of it, for anything. And I don’t know if I can really give us up.”

  
Lexa scooted closer to Clarke, untangled their fingers and put her arm around the girl, pulling her in to a side hug. “If we really break up, I know I’ll be okay. And you probably will be okay too. But I don’t want to be okay with my life. I’d rather fight with you day after day than spend another without you.”

  
“I don’t want to have to fight every day,” Clarke sighed. “But the thought of not being with you scares me more than anything else. And I know we both said hurtful things in the heat of our arguments that we didn’t really mean. Because the only thing that I really care about is loving you.”

  
Lexa smiled slightly and kissed the top of the girl’s blonde curls softly, causing Clarke to tilt her head back and smile. The sight of Clarke’s smile made Lexa’s heart cartwheel. “I love you,” Lexa responded. It was a gut reaction response and completely honest.

  
Lexa furrowed her brow as Clarke squirmed out of her embrace so that she could face her. “Can we be officially unbroken up now? Things fall apart. They fall apart so hard. You can't ever put 'em back the way they were. And I know that we still have things to work through, but for the moment can we just not worry about it? Can you just be kissing me now?” Clarke asked hopefully.

  
The brunette couldn’t help but let out a laugh at Clarke’s abridged version of the speech Tara gave to Willow in Buffy. She laughed, but also felt her eyes tearing up to match her girlfriend’s. She nodded and Clarke kissed her first.

  
They kissed slowly, like they had all of eternity in front of them, until they both pulled away simultaneously smiling. And that’s when Lexa knew. The jeweler had told her she’d know when the moment was perfect. But he was only half right, because there was no such thing as perfect. And there was no perfect moment. There were only moments that were right. And right there, sitting on that beach, Lexa knew it was as close to perfect as she was going to get.

  
Lexa’s voice shook as she spoke, “So I know this isn’t the perfect moment, but I’ve been waiting to do this for what seems like lifetimes.” She reached in to her pocket and withdrew the ring she’d been carrying for lifetimes. She watched as Clarke’s face registered what was happening. “I could live forever without you and still fall more in love with you each day Clarke Griffin. So please let me. I want to squabble with you over how you never screw the cap on to the toothpaste right. I want you to make me sit for hours as you paint me. I want to go to gallery openings with you and pretend I know what anyone is talking about. I want to have babies with you and name them Wells, Jake, Kate or whatever you want. I just want to spend each morning waking up to see your face. So, Clarke Griffin,” she held up the ring to her, “Will you marry me?

  
Clarke was silent for a moment before she shook her head and said, “No.”

  
Lexa’s face immediately fell and the look of shock and hurt was immediately recognizable.

  
“Oh my god,” Clarke continued, before quickly placing a hand on either side of Lexa’s face and kissing her, as if she could kiss away the pain. “I mean yes, I want to marry you, but no. This wasn’t supposed to happen this way.”

  
The brunette didn’t know what to do. She knew it was risky asking Clarke right then, but she never expected her to say no.

  
Clarke pulled away and quickly withdrew a ring box from her sweatshirt pocket. “It wasn’t supposed to happen this way, because I’ve been holding on to this ring since January.” She then sheepishly added, “I wanted to be the one to ask you.”

  
The pain immediately fell away from Lexa’s face, replaced just as quickly with a smile. “Really?” she asked.

  
Clarke nodded.

  
“So ask me,” Lexa gestured to her with a smile.

  
Clarke grinned as she withdrew the ring from the box. It was simpler than the one Lexa had bought for Clarke. It was exactly the kind of ring Lexa would wear though. It was a band with a small ruby bookended by two smaller diamonds. “Alexandria Woods Heda, will you let me paint you naked whenever I want, binge watch shows into the wee hours of the night with me, and let me love you until the end of time? Will you marry me?”

  
“No,” Lexa responded, struggling to keep a straight face. She waited a moment before laughing and saying, “Yes. Of course I’ll marry you.”

  
Lexa grabbed Clarke and pulled her in to a short, passionate kiss. She pulled away and held her left hand out to the blonde, wiggling her fingers. Clarke rolled her eyes before pushing the ring on to Lexa’s ring finger, then extended her own, to which Lexa returned the action.

  
“I love you.”

  
“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a quick note: what caesar said to anya before lexa walked in will come up in the next chapter, so don't think the story is over yet!
> 
>  
> 
> find me at madgirlbackhome.tumblr.com  
> also i'm starting work on a new clexa fic where they're camp counselors, do people think they'd read that?


	8. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happily Ever After

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, the final chapter! I know I said it would be up tomorrow, but I just had to finish it, I couldn't help myself.
> 
> Warning: it is pure fluff

As it turned out, Caesar had been meeting with Anya that morning to see if she thought it would be appropriate for him to approach Clarke about commissioning her for a mural. He’d been working on opening a school for the arts for several years, and it was finally becoming a reality. He’d started it in Costia’s memory, as she had loved theatre nearly as much as she’d loved life itself. Caesar had no doubts about Clarke’s talents, having fawned over Lexa’s multitude of Facebook uploads of them, but had wanted to make sure Anya thought that asking Lexa’s current girlfriend to help with a school dedicated to her dead girlfriend was a good idea.

  
Anya had insisted that it was more than appropriate, and after Clarke and Lexa announced their engagement on their return to the house he’d point blank offered her the job. She conferred with Lexa before responding, but there had been no reason to and she’d accepted the job.

  
The next few months had been occupied by wedding planning and the planning of the mural. What had started as a simple mural in the entrance hall, had evolved in to dozens of murals littered throughout the school. Each classroom had a different design and the hallways were to be pleasing to the eye, something the kids would enjoy finding themselves in every day.

  
Clarke and Lexa were married that October on the same beach they got engaged on. Everyone that mattered came to the small ceremony, and subsequently got happily drunk at the reception. Everyone, that is, except Anya. It turned out that even though they were eight years apart in age, she and Caesar worked well together. So well, in fact, that she got pregnant the first time they had sex. And after three months after baby Gus was born, they got married as well.

  
The wedding was simple, and Clarke and Lexa never left each other’s side for a moment that day. They ate, danced and greeted everyone together. Even Raven’s new boyfriend, Wick, whom she had met at Wounded Warriors meeting. They were quite the pair, Raven with her prosthetic right leg, and Wick with his prosthetic left leg.

  
After they were married, Clarke and Lexa’s relationship wasn’t perfect. Far from it, in fact. Lexa was promoted to partner at her law firm just weeks before the opening of Costia School of the Arts and during the weeks between her promotion and opening tested them more than anything they had been through.

  
At the opening, however, Lexa came to support both her brother-in-law and wife, and when she spoke to the new parents at the school and pretended to know anything about art, Clarke came to her rescue. It was during one of her rescues, that Clarke met Dante Wallace. He owned a gallery in the city that his son was failing at running. He’d offered to hire Clarke on a trial basis to see if she was better than his son. It turned out that she was, as his son Cage was soon fired and she took over. And at Lexa’s insistence, Clarke showed some of her own artwork as well.

  
They’d been married for five years when both Lexa and Clarke came home with important news to tell. They both insisted the other tell their news first, until Lexa finally relented to Clarke’s pleading and told her the news.

  
“I quit the firm,” she spoke with a smile on her face.

  
This was clearly not the happy news Clarke was expecting. “What? Why would you do that Lexa? Why are you smiling about this?”

  
Lexa continued to laugh as she said, “I loved it for a while, but I don’t love how much time it takes me away from you. I’ve been speaking to Dean Indra back from school and she said they were looking for new professors. And that’s why I missed our lunch the other day, I was getting interviewed. And I got the job! I’m going to be a law professor. So I’ll have a consistent schedule that leaves all my nights and weekends open for you.”

  
Clarke grinned at the news as she slipped her own news in, “Time for me and the baby.”

  
It took a moment for Lexa to register exactly what Clarke was saying, but as soon as she did, a grin spread across her face. “It worked?” she asked, her voice a higher pitch than normal, “You’re pregnant?”

  
“Four weeks,” Clarke nodded, her grin mimicking Lexa’s. Lexa practically tackled Clarke with a hug and peppered her with kisses.

 

* * *

 

Willow Griffin-Heda was born eight months later. Naming her had been an ordeal that lasted until two days after she was born. Neither of them could agree on a name. Lexa had petitioned hard for the name Wells, saying that it could just as easily be a girl’s name as a boy’s. The sex of the name hadn’t bothered Clarke though. She didn’t want their daughter to be burdened with the name of someone who had already been important to her mother. She wanted their daughter to have a name that she could grow into without any attachments.

  
There wasn’t any kind of divine inspiration that came from naming Willow. Lexa had been sitting next to Clarke’s hospital bed, holding the baby while Clarke read from a list of names that their friends and family had suggested. Somewhere on the list, someone had suggested Willow and it simply stuck. Octavia insisted it was her who had suggested it, as did Wick, but not even Bellamy had remembered that it was what his and Echo’s seven-year-old daughter Delilah had suggested.

  
Two years after Willow came Casper, and a year after that came Joey. After Joey kept them up for nearly one year straight, both Lexa and Clarke agreed that three was the perfect amount of children. That was, until Joey turned five and went to kindergarten. They had just moved to the suburbs, where Clarke opened a new gallery and Lexa transferred to a local University and became head of their law department. The day Lexa and Clarke dropped Joey off at school, Lexa admitted that she wanted another baby. Clarke told Lexa that she was crazy. They were forty-two, but Lexa still had baby fever.

  
After trying to placate Lexa with a puppy, Clarke too realized that maybe there family did need one more. Clarke couldn’t get pregnant again, however. Before Clarke could even get the word ‘adoption’ out of her mouth though, Lexa volunteered to carry the baby. It wasn’t something she and Clarke had ever thought would be practical, but Lexa wanted it. And nine months later they had the final addition to their family, born a week early on a boat stuck in a storm.

  
The Griffin-Heda Christmas card that year was one that almost all their friends and family kept in full view somewhere in their house. It was a disaster of a picture, but both Clarke and Lexa’s favorite picture that had ever been taken and would ever be taken of the family.

  
They’d set up a timer to take the picture, but had paid little attention to the whisperings of their children. As soon as Lexa ran in to the frame, with five seconds left before the picture was taken, nine-year-old Willow, seven-year-old Casper and six-year-old Joey withdrew ice cream cones topped with chocolate icing from behind their backs. Just before the flash went off; Willow jumped on her chair, dumping her ice cream on Clarke’s head, while Joey jumped on to Lexa’s back and shoved the ice cream into her face. Meanwhile, Joey crashed the cone on his own head. While Clarke and Lexa’s faces were that of pure shock, their children were all laughs, including the three-old-old propped up on the couch in the center of the frame. She was laughing her first laugh.

  
It was the only picture they took that day, but it was the only one they needed before devolving in to a full-out ice cream fight. The caption below the photo read:

  
_Wishing You a Year of Laughter and Great Surprises (and some good messes)_

  
_Love, The Griffin-Heda Family_  
_Clarke, Lexa, Willow, Casper, Joey and Storm._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed! All your kudos and comments have been so encouraging! I'm currently working on a new fic that centers around Lexa and Clarke as camp counselors (from alternating POVs). It'll definitely a bit different than The Law of Averages. It'll have a lot less death, no weird time travel dreams, some angst and some fluff.
> 
> as always, find me at madgirlbackhome.tumblr.com


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